A Crew Chief is responsible for the day to day condition of the military aircraft assigned to them. At least that’s what they’re taught. The best crew chiefs are assigned to fighter squadrons. Real crew chiefs have nothing what so ever to do with NASCAR .
Crew chiefs own their jet and if a pilot is really polite and not running late, the Crew Chief will allow the pilot to fly “his” aircraft. Pilots spend most of their time drinking and fucking off doing whatever pilots do between their occasional visits to the jet. Crew Chiefs live with their jet. They stay with their jet in blazing hot days, rain, snow, through the night, during air raids and mortar attacks. Crew chiefs make Postal Workers look like pussies.
Crew Chiefs can trace their heritage back to Medieval Europe. Back then they were known as “Squires”. Every Knight had a Squire who took care of the horse. Grooming it. Feeding it. Shoveling the steaming piles of shit left by the horse and knight. It was the duty of the squire to beat the shit out of armorers to make sure the knights’ weapons were sharp.
- A Dedicated Crew Chief: Is too busy to fix his own jet because he is always busy fixing everyone else’s.
- An Assistant Crew Chief: Does all the work and whines about it constantly. Always thinks he deserves his own jet…be careful what you wish for!
- Third Wipe: Usually in FTD or cleaning the shitter.
Crew chiefs that are weak and can’t hack it work in the tool room until they cross train to the hospital or other NONNER bullshit.
In 1910, Charlie Taylor became the first man to crew an airplane. He thought Wilbur Wright was a pretty good pilot. Charlie thought Orville was a pussy when he crashed the airplane. Upon hearing that Orville had broken his leg in the crash, Charlie was heard to say, “Good… Pussy”.
World War One
Fighter Aircraft were invented during World War One. Crew chiefs during this period were kick ass carpenters. Many crew chief traditions were established. Most notably, fixing everything with nothing. It was hard to be buddies with pilots because they were being shot down and killed about every three days
Thru-flight inspections were rare since few airplanes ever came back. This was the first time anyone ever fixed an airplane while wearing a fucking gas mask. The names of the crew chiefs of Manfred von Richthofen and Eddie Rickenbacker are lost to history. This established the tradition that pilots don’t give a rat’s ass who’s waving their hands in front of the airplane.
World War Two
The United States entered World War Two when The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on 7 DEC 1941. This established the notion that weekend duty sucks, Big Time. The disaster was compounded when some Production Super told the crew chiefs to tow all the airplanes out to the ramp. “So I can see them”. This allowed the pilots of the Japanese Imperial Navy to cheerfully strafe and bomb them. The Pro Super then blamed the crew chiefs when his FMC rate looked like shit on Monday morning.
The crew chiefs of the Cactus Air Force made history by cannibalizing the bombed planes on Guadalcanal and producing Brand New (well…at least different) aircraft. Production Supers have unsuccessfully tried to recreate this miracle ever since. It was during this time that after the crew chiefs had greened up their aircraft, they would grab a rifle and go shoot some Japanese in their off time. This established the concept of Security Police Augmentee.
Crew chiefs in the German Luftwaffe were known as “Uberarschfikkeren”. They were the first to crew jets. The Me-262. They were also the first crew chiefs to jump intakes and the first to FOD a jet with a pencil.
After World War Two crew chiefs spent a couple of years fucking off. In 1950 everyone went TDY in the Greatest Recall in History. The lucky few got to crew F-86’s. In 1955 most said, “Fuck this shit. Cut me back” and went home. A lucky few got to stay at garden spots like Osan AB or that shithole Kunsan AB.
From 1965 until 1974, crew chiefs proved that they could launch jets while stoned as well as drunk. The AIM-9 and AIM-7 air to air missiles were introduced and quickly proved useless. Crew chiefs and weapons load teams fought each other until it was decided to blame the whole fiasco on Ammo.
Crew chiefs spent these years losing jets on “Routine Training Missions”. They quit smoking out and went back to drinking excessively because of piss tests. Life generally sucked until General Wilbur “Bill” Creech took command of the Tactical Air Command and decided that there must be a better way to kill Commies.
When F-15’s and F-16’s were built it was pretty cool because America finally built jets that were hard to break. Most days were filled launching jets as fast as they could get gas into them. This was done by the “Launch and Lounge Crew” on day shift. Swing shift is the shift to work when you’re a glutton for punishment. Swings was the “Maintenance Crew”. There was a reason why a mechanic was assigned to mid shift, and it usually wasn’t good. This went on for years, day and night, rain or shine. In the snow or in the heat. It still sucked but the pay was better.
World War Four
By 1990, things were looking pretty sweet. The Russians ran out of money and quit. Then the Arabs fucked everything up. All the Saudi Friends came over and Operation Desert Storm bombed the fuck out of Iraq. Crew Chiefs launched so many sorties that they lost count. The bombs we dropped had numbers that weapons guys didn’t even know existed. The Russians saw what was happening and said, “HOLY SHIT! We would have got our ass kicked.” Fighting the Iraqi Air Force was like clubbing baby seals. When Desert Storm ended Saddam Hussein still had his job so everyone knew there was going to be a sequel.
Pilots get to fly drones now. They get to live in Las Vegas, own homesm and fuck their wives every day. Meanwhile Crew Chiefs get to go TDY to shit holes like Kandahār and Balad.
Interacting with Crew Chiefs
- Never say anything bad about their jet. You can call their wife a “Scum Sucking Two Bit Whore”. They might agree with you. But if you call their jet a “pig”, you’re going to bleed.
- Don’t fuck with their pilot. An Eagle pilot made the bad mistake to drink with Viper Crew Chiefs. He was left passed out on the pool table. His big Samoan crew chief picked him up and carried him out like a sack of potatoes. All the while accusing the Viper guys of doing anatomically incorrect things to their Mothers.
- Ladies, Crew Chiefs are caring and skilled Lovers. Some vaginal tearing can be expected
- If you encounter a Crew Chief, offer him a beer. Even if he’s at work.
- There are female Crew Chiefs. Most of them wander the flight line trying to get pregnant. There are the rare few who are damn good mechanics. Don’t fuck with these.
- Do not ask the Crew Chief a stupid question. They won’t understand it anyway. Our maintenance flight at George AFB had a few F-4C crew chiefs that were civilian pilots. Sgt Lillie was in fact rated as an instructor. One day the aircrew came out to fly. Pilot: “So chief, how’s the jet fly?” Sgt Lillie: “You get the ground speed up and pull the stick back. Someone should’ve mentioned that to you by now, sir.”
- Crew chiefs use safety wire to sew the soles back on their boots. You can also find household appliances and car parts secured in the same manner.
- Crew chiefs coveralls are suitable for wear at home, work and play.
- Crew chiefs “preflight” the car while the wife is getting the kids ready.
- Fuck gang signs. Crew Chiefs can have whole conversations with hand signals.