How about assault with a deadly weapon?
Josh was in the second grade at good old Indian Springs School. He got RPC’ed. that Required Parent Coverence for you single types. His big brother Tony (10) was coaching him on his first RPC. Tony could go a whole week without skipping a RPC.
“Just walk up and give him the paper.”
“He’ll start screaming, but don’t flinch.”
“When he done screaming he’ll talk to you.”
Don’t say nothing but “yes sir.”
“Listen real hard because he’ll say stuff that you’ll have to remember.”
So with trembling hands, Josh approached me in the Dad’s Chair. Mom had already told me. I took the letter. Read it. Then said, “Dismissed”. Josh fled with relief.
“That was bullshit”, Tony said later. “He didn’t yell or nothing.”
Joshua had been indeed charged with assault with a deadly weapon. The weapon of choice? A cookie.
Josh was at lunch and they were serving these big ass cookies. A good six inches around. Sitting across from him was a little girl from his class. Throwing down his best come on line, well second best. His best was that he’d point to his eyes and say, “My eyes are blue.” Anyway, in this case he said, “I bet you can’t eat that cookie in one bite.” Trying not to disappoint, the girl took on the challenge. I’m sure you ladies have similar stories. In bars. Needless to say she cacked it back up on her tray. Horrified, she didn’t know what to do. A janitor saw her plight and came to the rescue. He picked up her tray and took it away.
guard monitor saw this go down and reported Joshy to the Dean. The Dean was a bitch angel with the demeanor of a Gestapo Agent professional. By the time the story got to her, it had turned into Joshy pinning the girl to the table and stuffing a fucking cookie down her throat. I’m sure that’s possible, but not in this case.
You never get to use the “asinine” in a business letter, but I did. When I attended the RPC, I handed the Dean the letter. I informed her to read carefully because the next thing she’d say would be a career altering moment in her life. She did read it carefully. When she looked up at me, she reached for that the RPC paperwork and the report and torn it up.