Surprise! Your Wife is Gay

The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans gender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. SSN also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community organizations, and the public. SSN is the only support network of its kind in the world.

Good stuff at Straight Spouse Network

Len’s Story

In 1986, I married my best friend and the person I was to grow old with. The woman I had my children by. The woman with whom I shared my innermost being with and whom I thought I knew better than anyone. Little did I know that I did not know anything……..

The summer of 2000 went on as summers did, with me working and my wife having time off, since she drove a school bus. It was the perfect job because she could be there for the kids. This summer, however, things were amiss.

We were different…. no, she was different. She was spending an outrageous amount of time on the computer, but I thought she was instant messaging friends and shopping. She was coming to bed later and later each night. I thought it strange, but figured no biggie; she is off for the summer and just doesn’t need to get to bed when I needed to. One day, she mentioned she had found a friend online who had a lot in common with her and had three kids of her own.

“O.K.,” I said, “That’s cool.” And so she and her newfound friend were hanging out, going out, and having a grand ol’ time. (Oh, how dumb and foolish I feel now.)

One night, we planned to get together with some friends from church at a local restaurant that had a little band. My wife met me there, showing up with “the friend.”

I was not feeling well and after dinner said we should go home. She told me to go home; she would stay. I went home, fell asleep, and woke about 2:00 am. My wife was not home, it was unlike her to be out that late, and she was not answering her cell phone. I feared something had happened.

I drove back to the restaurant as they were closing. I knew a guy in the band and asked if he had seen my wife. He went silent and then said he needed to tell me something. He then proceeded to tell me how MY WIFE, THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN had seductively danced, made out with, and carried on with her “friend.”

I was sick and stunned. I went home and waited. When she showed up I asked her what the hell was going on and said I had spoken with the guy in the band. She broke down, said she was drunk and confused, and the friend made a move on her. I asked her what else took place, and she swore that there was no more than the kissing. I threw her pillow and blanket out of our bedroom, locked myself in, and went to sleep. That was August 15, 2000.

The next morning, I thought long and hard about my vows and the kids and everything we had been through and decided not to throw away 14 years due to a mistake. I told her how I felt and that we would work through this. “But,” I said, ”there is no way that you are ever to see or talk to that ‘friend’ ever again.”

She agreed. As days went on, she tried negotiating various ways of allowing contact with her friend, via email or instant message, and I said no way. Her next step was to get nasty. She told me I had no right to tell her who she could and could not see. I told her, “Either you want to be married to me or you want to be with her, but you cannot have it both ways. If you want the latter, pack your bags and leave, but understand that once you walk out that door, you will never come back.”

On September 1, 2000, she did just that. With no warning or chance to explain to our kids, she packed her bags, told them she was leaving, and asked them to do the same. They were, needless to say, shocked and stunned and crying. They refused to go with her (and for that I will be eternally grateful) and off she went. When the screen door shut, I realized that our lives had just changed forever.

My wife died that day. The person I married, who was caring and thoughtful and loved our kids, was no longer here. Her face and body were evident, but all shards of that woman were gone. She became erratic and moody with severe emotional swings, and her parental sense was completely gone. She was so self absorbed that she thought only of herself and her newfound life as a lesbian. Our kids were made to take it or leave it. Their first weekend with her she took them to the now-girlfriend’s house.

I filed for divorce and began a four-year battle. She told the neighbors she left because I beat her. She called the police and said them same thing. She accused me of a gay relationship when I invited a man and his two kids to live with us after their home burned down and they had no place to live. She broke into the family home several times by kicking the door in, tried opening credit cards in my name so she could use them, and caused irreparable harm to both kids. My daughter has not spoken to her mother in over six years. My son sees her once a week for two hours. This is the extent of her relationship with her children now.

I am happy to say I retained custody of both kids — unheard of in my conservative county where mothers are almost always granted custody — and got to keep the house.

Now I am a 44-year-old single dad of two teenagers. While I would not trade this for anything, I am angered that I was put in this position. She walked away leaving me not only to pick up the pieces, but also to mend them and heal our children, try to be a mother figure in some form, and wonder what will become of my life now. I do not communicate with her unless it’s necessary and related to the kids and only through email. I will never forgive her for what she has done to me but mostly what she did to two wonderful kids who deserved none of this.

More Stories

Twelve Step Programs You Might Not Have Heard Of

Not in a Twelve Step Program yet? Here’s a list. I sure you’ll find your niche.

Anonymous One – Includes a search page for finding Twelve Step meetings.

Bodhi’s Buddhist Non Theistic 12 Steps – Site includes a Buddhist or Non Theistic version of AAs 12 step program.

Dual Recovery Anonymous – A fellowship of men and women who support each other in our common recovery from two no fault illnesses: an emotional or psychiatric illness and chemical dependency.

Emotional Health Anonymous – A 12-Step Program for people who suffer from emotional and mental problems not related to substance abuse.

Emotions Anonymous – A twelve-step organization for the purpose of working toward recovery from emotional difficulties.

Food Addicts In Recovery Anonymous – For anyone who has problems with food or weight issues.

Misogynon – A program of recovery for women who are now in, or are surviving the effects of, a violent relationship.

Promises of Recovery Newsletter – Focuses on addicts in prison and the issue of offering treatment instead of harsher sentences for drug related crimes.

Recovering Couples Anonymous – A Twelve Step fellowship founded in 1988. The primary purpose of RCA is to help couples find freedom from dysfunctional patterns in relationships.

Serenity Found – Information, readings, daily spiritual quotes, humor, and links related to Twelve Step recovery fellowships.

12 Step Recovery @ Bella On line – Resources for help, healing, and support. They strongly encourage experience, strength, and hope.

12 Steps to Serenity – An overview of the Twelve Steps with free worksheets for working the Steps.

Twelve Step Home Page – Related information, links to recovery related sites, and recovery products.

Schizophrenics Anonymous – The mission of Schizophrenics Anonymous is to add the element of self-help group support to the recovery of process of people suffering from schizophrenia. We hope that this will contribute to the sense of well being of S.A. members and help us cope with the difficulties imposed by the illness.

Lawyers Anonymous – Dedicated to Lawyers and Judges who are in denial about their alcoholism. This explains a lot.

Divorce Anonymous – Some of us are in a crisis and may appear desperate. We seek relief from the terrible pain we have grown accustomed to feeling. We know that our suffering is related to our broken relationships.

Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous – Adult Children of Alcoholics is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition program of women and men who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes.

Still haven’t found your program? Try These…

Recoveries Anonymous – RA is designed especially for those who have yet to be successful in their search for recovery, as well as those who have already found recovery and their family and friends.

Obsessive Compulsive Anonymous -OCD is characterized by recurrent, unwanted and unpleasant thoughts (obsessions), and or repetitive, ritualistic behaviors, which the person feels driven to perform (compulsions), people with OCD know their obsessions and compulsions are irrational or excessive, yet find they have little or no control over them.

Narcotics Anonymous – RA is designed especially for those who have yet to be successful in their search for recovery, as well as those who have already found recovery and their family and friends.

Cocaine Anonymous – Cocaine Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from their addiction.

Marijuana Anonymous – Marijuana Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share our experience, strength, and hope with each other that we may solve our common problem and help others to recover from marijuana addiction.

Sexaholics Anonymous – The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.

Vulgarity Anonymous – Group Counseling – This is a copy of VulgAnon 12 Steps. It is free to copy for the public.

Debtors Anonymous – Group Counseling Is your life unmanageable because of credit card debt and overspending?

Clutterers Anonymous – A 12-step recovery program, offers help to the true clutterer, who is overwhelmed by disorder. FAQs, literature, meeting list, and CLA background information provided.

DAFFY – Professional Artists Anonymous – “Drug And Alcohol-FFree, Yeah” is a supportive community of clear-minded professional artists, who are honest with one another.

Spenders Anonymous – Official web site for 12-Step fellowship on addictive spending.

Families Anonymous – Families Anonymous is a group of concerned relatives and friends who have faced up to the reality that the problems of someone close to us is seriously affecting our lives and our ability to function normally.

Gamblers Anonymous – A fellowship support group for compulsive gamblers. Bet You can’t quit.

Nicotine Anonymous – A 12 Step Program offering support to those who want to quit cigarettes and quit smoking and stop other forms of tobacco and nicotine addiction. Offers smoking cessation support for men and woman, facts about the effects of smoking, and meeting schedules.

Pagan Anonymous – This is a meeting for Pagans and those of alternative spiritual pathsto discuss issues of Recovery and how to use the12 Steps from a Pagan perspective.

Liberals Anonymous – Given the difficulty in bringing liberals into the light, I thought it might be helpful to provide them with a 12-step program that could make it easier for a successful transition into reality.

Workaholics Anonymous – Workaholics Anonymous is a 12 step support group for people who want to stop working compulsively.

Adrenaline Addicts Anonymous – Those of us in Adrenaline Addicts Anonymous have come to believe that we use our own adrenaline as an addictive drug.

Parents Anonymous – Parents Anonymous® Inc. is a community of parents, organizations and volunteers committed to: • Strengthening Families and Building Strong Communities
• Achieving Meaningful Parent Leadership and Shared Leadership
• Leading the Field of Child Abuse and Neglect lip balm and to help others achieve the same freedom.

Atheists Anonymous – Established in March of 2002, Atheists Anonymous is an internet based support network for people who lack a belief in any kind of supernatural deity. We are dedicated to helping people better understand atheism through open, honest, and intellectual discussion. We also provide a safe place where atheists can comfortably express their non-belief and seek out the advice and friendship of other atheists.

Agnostics Anonymous – So you’ve got some questions? You’re not alone.
Just when you thought God-issues were the last thing anyone would want to ask about, the opposite seems to be true. In our post-modern world, the time has passed when most people knew much about God, but it doesn’t seem to have stopped them asking questions. And if that’s true, maybe there are people out there in cyberspace, who would like to hear some possible answers. Perhaps people like you?

Christians Anonymous – If you are a friend of a Christian who needs help or are a Christian yourself, you have come to the right place. Within this site you will find the necessary steps that can help you or someone you love free themselves from the mental enslavement of this terrible addiction.

Homosexuals Anonymous – A fellowship of men and women, who through their common emotional experience, have chosen to help each other live in freedom from homosexuality.

Sex Workers Anonymous – Sex Workers Anonymous, formerly called Prostitutes Anonymous, is a 12 Step group of men and women of any age who have a desire to leave any arena of the sex industry, or who find they need recovery after having done so.

Ferrets Anonymous – California ferret enthusiasts have been working for ferret legalization since the mid 1980’s. In 1993 a grassroots effort began with the official formation of Ferrets Anonymous.

Chain Letters Anonymous – At Chain Letters Anonymous, we understand the anxiety of breaking the chain. We want to help you overcome “forward-button addiction” and the superstitious intoxication that brings computer networks to a crawl.
Chatters Anonymous – Chatters Anonymous is dedicated to helping people who have become addicted to Internet chat by facilitating a better understanding of the difference between the Internet and reality.

Internet Anonymous – Are you addicted to the Internet? Yes? Well this is the place for you! Here you will find descriptions of the symptoms of Internet Addiction, confessions by Addicts, and even a self-help programme! Navigate your way around the site using the options bar on the left.
If this is for you, what the Hell are you doing on the Internet?

Do you have any that I missed? Add them to the comments section.