I’m working on a list of the “Socially Charming” things I’ve been known to say out loud. Feel free to quote me on things you’ve heard me say.
“You will be a lot less angry once you come out of the closet.”
“You think. Don’t you?”
“No, I’m not a Nazi, but my Mom was”.
“Are you thinking? You want a pillow and lay down? ” I know it hurts the first time.”
“Why don’t I repeat myself and use little words this time.”
“No, the fat makes you look fat.”
“Of course I’m fat. If you look closely you can see ex-wives and girlfriends impacted on the surface.”
“In goes the Good Air. Out goes the Bad.”
“Fell down? Did you not compensate for Earth’s rotation?”
“Who died and left you in charge?”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”
“And you’re saying this because……?”
“If you want, I can act dumber so that we’ll have something in common.”
“Not now, the grown ups are talking.”
“Hi? Not now, maybe later. Thank you for asking.”
“I’m an Only Child. Sharing is someone Else’s problem.”
“I promise to be nicer if you promise to be smarter.”
“No. You’re LYING.”
“Don’t make me drop a house on you.”
“Here she comes in her pick-up truck shaped broom.”
“I know how you feel. No….Wait…yeah that was gas.”
“Well let’s just blame you, shall we?”
“The Truth hurts huh?”
“It wasn’t my fault. It the girl’s fault. My Dad said it’s always the girl’s fault.”
6 August, 1967- I was nine years old and my Dad had just retired from the Army at Fort Carson, Colorado. We then started camping our way to California. Earlier that day, we had gone over the Hoover Dam. Dad stopped the car in the middle of the dam so Mom could take pictures. I had been asleep, so I just jumped out wearing just my shorts. From the air-conditioned comfort of the car and into 110 degree Summer in Nevada. The asphalt burned my bare feet so I tried to jump back into the car. I missed on my first shot and burned myself on the hot side of the car.
Mom and Dad had Army Buddies in Las Vegas and we were going to visit. They lived on Lake Mead Boulevard. Guess what? Las Vegas has two Lake Meads and we were tooling up and down the wrong one looking for Jim and Iris’ house. Mom raised the Bullshit flag and demanded a shower. We had spent three days in our camper/tent trailer. A shower sounded pretty good.
Dad checked us into the SHOWBOAT MOTEL, right across from the Showboat Casino. Oh BOY! It had a pool!! So as only an Only Child can do, I ranted and pouted that I wanted to go swimming. Hell, I was already in my trunks. So while Mom and Oma (my Grandma) unpacked the trailer, Dad sat down to watch me and I jumped in.
Mind you, my idea of swimming was to jump in the three foot and dive for rocks on the bottom. Having been stationed in France I had never learned to swim. So there I was jumping in and jumping out. Diving for rocks in the three foot.
Mom came over to tell Dad that there was a footlocker that only a Big Strong Man could carry and he stood up as Mom sat down to watch me.
In that moment. As Dad stood up and Mom sat down. Someone bumped me and I fell into the pool.
As my feet touched the bottom, I stood up. But instead of coming out of the water, I was looking at six inches of water over my head. I was four foot six in the Five Foot.
“No problem”, I thought calmly, “I’ll walk into the shallow end”. I took two…maybe three steps. But each time the wave action of this pool pushed me back. Then I slipped off the edge and I was in the Nine Foot. Now I was in trouble. What do people do when they’re drowning? I remembered that they hold up fingers. I fought my way to the surface and stuck my hand out of the water.
I sank. I struggled back to the surface and raised my hand.
Nothing. I sank again. A third try to get help and I put my hand up again.
Fuck. That’s not working. I decided to try screaming. For a fourth time I struggled with all I had to get my head above the water. As I went to take a deep breath, someone jumped in and swamped me. Instead of taking in air my lungs filled with water.
Bang. Everything changed. I calmed down. My lungs were full so I didn’t need to breathe any more. I sank to the bottom of the Nine Foot. There I was, laying on my back at the bottom of the pool, watching the bubbles. I said the Lord’s Prayer and passed out. I do remember seeing the really bright white light. Nobody came and talked to me or greet me. Just light.
Meanwhile topside Mom was looking for me. She suddenly recognized my swim trunks at the bottom of the pool. A Marine on leave jumped in and pulled me out. I was completely white except for my royal blue lips. Four grown men couldn’t pry my jaws open to give me mouth to mouth. About then the Fire Department showed up (ain’t no EMTs in 1967). The fireman asked how long I’d been in the water and 15 or 20 minutes was a good guess.
The firemen says, “Well, he’s dead. Even if he comes around there’ll be brain damage”.
My Mom screams so loud and so hard she spits out her false teeth. She had lost one son in the War and now has lost another one. The Marine who pulled me out started to do back pressure arm lift on me. Not for me, I was dead. But to keep Mom from having a stroke or killing someone. After a bit, all this water and vomit comes out of me. Oh My God. I am breathing.
Then things get weird.
Mom gets all crazy and won’t let anyone touch me. I was NOT taken to the hospital.
I wake up alone. Naked. Covered with vomit. Laying on a motel room bed. I have the World’s Worse Headache and World’s Worst Chest Pain. My first thought…..
“Is this Heaven?”
As I’m trying to decide, Dad pokes his head in the room and I hear him say “He’s awake.”
Mom came in and carried me to the tub. Dad had put about an inch of water in the tub. As Mom lowered me down and I felt the water, I freaked. I punched Mom so hard she fell out of the bathroom. “Okay”, she said “sponge bath.”
The motel manager was kind of spooked by the whole thing. There was a sign warning that there was no life guard. But he still asked if there was ANYTHING WE WANTED. If your child had almost died and someone said that to you. What would you ask for? Mom took all the towels and all the ash trays. I said this was the weird part.
The manager asked what I wanted. I said that I was tired of Oma losing all my quarters and I wanted to play the slot machines. That night I sat at a slot machine and with a “House Detective” (think Joe Pesci in Casino) behind me I put a roll of Showboat Casino-provided quarters into the machine. I did not win. I then joined my family for a steak dinner on the house.
This is me and Mom at the pool the next day. I pretty sure that Mom looking at the pool was NOT posed. The infamous chair was still there. The pool was tiny.
This is me and Dad at Lake Mead. I wearing the same trunks I wore into the pool. It had rained (flooded) in Vegas and we camped at the Lake where it was drier. By the 11th (Dad’s Birthday) we were at Disneyland.