2021 Here We Come

Here are some thoughtful predictions for 2021 that have been compiled by the crack staff at The Lucky Puppy.

  • 2020 model cars will start disintegrating.
  • COVID19 will mutate into a form of airborne AIDS.
  • Your cell phone number will be revealed as the Mark of the Beast.
  • President Biden forms a commission to prove that birds don’t exist.
  • Heterosexuality will be outlawed.
  • The Government will video tape you 24/7.
  • Gingers will form a new political party.
  • Marijuana will be legalized nationwide, as well as Heroin and LSD.
  • White privilege cards will have a $500 limit.
  • Early voting will begin in April for the 2024, 2030 and 2034 elections.
  • Gender will be entirely eliminated.
  • Sasquatch is finally proven to be real and are registered Democrats.
  • 200K 2020 election ballots are found aboard the International Space Station.
  • Hurricanes will start being named after cars.
  • Donald Trump creates the Office of the Ex-President.
  • Flogging returns to the U.S. Navy.
  • The U.S. Space Force reveals that they have been living on the Moon since 1975.
  • A nuclear detonation obliterates Detroit, but no one seems to notice.
  • The voting age is reduced to 16, the drinking age is reduced to 14 and the age of consent is reduced to 10.
  • Jesus returns, throws His hands up and promptly leaves.

Surviving COVID-19

corona

COVID-19, also known as the Corona Virus is spreading like rumors that you are a slut. Here are some handy bits of info to help you survive the 2020 pandemic.

symptoms
  • Do not touch anyone.
  • Do not touch your face.
  • Wash your hands at least five times a day.
  • Use hand sanitizer every time you touch something.
  • Make your own sanitizer with aloe vera gel and alcohol.
  • Stay at home.
  • Wear a mask.
  • Use bleach on your door knobs.
  • Never open your front door.
  • Avoid having sex.
  • Only eat canned food and only after you sanitize the can.
  • Drink as much alcohol that you can tolerate to sanitize your internal organs.
  • If you must go out, burn your clothes upon your return.
  • Forget using toilet paper. Instead, shower every time you poop.
  • Wash your money.
  • Rain spreads the Corona Virus.
  • Try to get every one you know arrested.
  • Push “sketchy” family members out the door.
  • Sanitize or kill your pets.
  • If you don’t have rubbing alcohol, make sanitizer with aloe vera and gasoline.
  • Avoid being abducted by aliens.
  • Shave all hair from your body.
  • Shave the pets you want to keep.
  • Give sleeping pills to your small children you so they no longer want to play outside.
bingo
  • Make cleaning you guns a family activity.
  • Fire bomb your car.
  • Destroy your television and any device that connects to the Internets.
  • If a family member coughs, murder them and burn their body.
  • Kill yourself to prevent infection,