Santa Target of DOJ Investigation

In a stunning move, the Senate Judiciary Committee subpoenaed Santa to answer questions under oath.  Responding to an report by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Christopher Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) appeared before the SJC to answer questions about the circumstances surrounding the deletion of almost 30 Billion emails from children in 47 countries.

santa-emails

First brought forward by a North Pole whistle blower and culminating in an FBI sting operation code named SANTASSHAT, FBI Director James Comey now says there is enough evidence to go to a Grand Jury.

santa-elf

In a Lucky Puppy exclusive, we were granted an interview with an elf that we will call “Tinkle”.

LP: “Why did you insist on anonymity as a condition for this interview?”

Tinkle: “First and foremost I have a wife and kids to think about. There were  death threats as well.”

LP: “Death threats?”

Tinkle: “Oh yeah, there a bunch of pissed off kids out there and you never can predict what they’re capable of.”

LP: “What are your allegations?”

Tinkle: “Over the last year or so we’ve been getting more emails from children instead of letters.”

LP: “Santa didn’t like that?”

Tinkle: “At first we thought it was just a technology thing.  Santa’s real old-fashioned.  As time went on it became personal with him.  In the end he just didn’t give a shit.”

LP: “Wow! What does that mean?”

Tinkle: “Santa became depressed and he relapsed.  The drinking and of course drugs.  It was the same old downward spiral.”

LP: “But what about the emails?”

Tinkle: “An internal audit of 2014 found emails from children missing. At the time there wasn’t any apparent cause.  The servers were wiped clean with eggnog.  Then about a year ago we were administering Santa’s Night Attack of barbiturates and amphetamines when he turned up missing from his bedroom.  It was Mrs Claus that found him.  He was in the computer room surrounded by empty Jack Daniels and eggnog bottles and drooling on the keyboard.”

LP: “That was when you found out it was Santa himself that was deleting the emails himself?”

Tinkle: “Yes, of course. We tried to solve it internally but he became violent and there were injuries.  We had to involve the authorities.”

LP: “Where does it go moving forward?”

Twinkle: “We are cooperating with the FBI and the DOJ. Some of our workers will testify if they’re granted immunity.”

LP: “Why immunity?”

Tinkle: “Drugs.”

LP: “Oh.”

Tinkle: “I would rather not talk about that aspect of the investigation.”

 

At that point “Tinkle” got up and left the room.

Surprise the Family this Thanksgiving

Pete on facebook posted something that looked photoshoppy.  The crack investigative team here at The Puppy  separated fact from fiction.  Fiction lost.

Behold, The Turkraken!

Yes, Loyal Readers some creative/sick people have taken Holiday dinners to a place no one has gone before.

turkwhatthefucken
Thanks Pete.

Recipe:

Take one unspeakable thing. Turkey, whole. Season it will the usual shit you do every year and cover tightly with foil. 

Add an unknowable horror from beyond imagination. Octopus, whole. Dust the octopus with lots and lots of Rigani (You can use Oregano, you cheap bastard.), freshly ground black pepper and just a pinch of sea salt. Pour over with olive oil and Pinot Noir  (In that order and DRINK!) then throw some of that Rigani on the Turkey while you’re at it. Stuff the Octopodiformes  octopoda into the Meleagris gallopavo.  Let tentacles dangle decoratively out of the Turkey.

Cover everything tightly with foil.

Bake in a pit of eternal darkness  at 350 for two and a half hours.

Remove foil after one hour and 15 minutes.

Serve.

Force family to eat at gun point.

Slowly descend into madness.

Pairs Well With
Pinot Noir
Delicate, floral red wine

Consider stuffing with bacon as well.
If Turkraken is a hit with Loved Ones this year, try jazzing it up next year with King Crab (Go FV Time Bandit!) and BACON!

 

 

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

turkraken-3rd-place

 

Don’t feel like cooking try…

turkraken-steamers