In a stunning move, the Senate Judiciary Committee subpoenaed Santa to answer questions under oath. Responding to an report by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Christopher Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) appeared before the SJC to answer questions about the circumstances surrounding the deletion of almost 30 Billion emails from children in 47 countries.
First brought forward by a North Pole whistle blower and culminating in an FBI sting operation code named SANTASSHAT, FBI Director James Comey now says there is enough evidence to go to a Grand Jury.
In a Lucky Puppy exclusive, we were granted an interview with an elf that we will call “Tinkle”.
LP: “Why did you insist on anonymity as a condition for this interview?”
Tinkle: “First and foremost I have a wife and kids to think about. There were death threats as well.”
LP: “Death threats?”
Tinkle: “Oh yeah, there a bunch of pissed off kids out there and you never can predict what they’re capable of.”
LP: “What are your allegations?”
Tinkle: “Over the last year or so we’ve been getting more emails from children instead of letters.”
LP: “Santa didn’t like that?”
Tinkle: “At first we thought it was just a technology thing. Santa’s real old-fashioned. As time went on it became personal with him. In the end he just didn’t give a shit.”
LP: “Wow! What does that mean?”
Tinkle: “Santa became depressed and he relapsed. The drinking and of course drugs. It was the same old downward spiral.”
LP: “But what about the emails?”
Tinkle: “An internal audit of 2014 found emails from children missing. At the time there wasn’t any apparent cause. The servers were wiped clean with eggnog. Then about a year ago we were administering Santa’s Night Attack of barbiturates and amphetamines when he turned up missing from his bedroom. It was Mrs Claus that found him. He was in the computer room surrounded by empty Jack Daniels and eggnog bottles and drooling on the keyboard.”
LP: “That was when you found out it was Santa himself that was deleting the emails himself?”
Tinkle: “Yes, of course. We tried to solve it internally but he became violent and there were injuries. We had to involve the authorities.”
LP: “Where does it go moving forward?”
Twinkle: “We are cooperating with the FBI and the DOJ. Some of our workers will testify if they’re granted immunity.”
LP: “Why immunity?”
Tinkle: “Drugs.”
LP: “Oh.”
Tinkle: “I would rather not talk about that aspect of the investigation.”
At that point “Tinkle” got up and left the room.
