This is an actual, real, honest to goodness job application. Read on Loyal Readers.
NAME: Jeremey Skitt
SEX: Not yet but I’m waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I was worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they’re suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? If “felony” is sex with a cat, then no.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL PROBLEM THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 POUNDS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOUR RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when on fire.
WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living on Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THYE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Mr. Skitt was applying to a job as a Ronald McDonald. He got the job.