Oh Shit, I’ve Become My Mother

Have you ever sat down and thought of why you do the things you do? Little things. Quirky things. Did you think of them yourself or were you taught?

I was just informed that my son plays “Beep, beep (touch their nose). Honk, honk (squeeze their nose) Woo Woo (chuck them under the chin).  It can be played with babies, kids, wives and pets.  It even became a synonym for Horny. As in “Baby you got a bad case of the BeepBeepHonkHonkWooWoo”. Well I got that from my grandmother, my Oma. Only in German.

I was 32 when I realized I could load up my toothbrush with paste instead of the little dab that Mom taught to use when I brushed my teeth (both of them).

The current Love of My Life was appalled and confused when Daughter and I used straws at Jack in  the Box as blow guns to launch straw covers at each other. Head shots count.  She joins in now. I remember Oma teaching me that at the snack bar of the Army Kaserne in Orleans, France of all places. I was five.

I inherited Oma’s fucked up toe nails that curl back into the flesh unless you tame them. I have an identical pair cutters she used in the 50’s sitting on my desk right now. The ones that look like wire cutters.

I Love Raspberry Preserves (not Jam). On Russian Rye with butter. Mom always corrected me saying “It’s really Prussian Bread”.

Baked beans and wienies always go together because that was the only thing Dad could cook.

Every time I have a coffee with my sandwich I remember my Dad.

I never dry the dishes. Put them right in the drawer or cupboard. German style.

I had to hit the brakes the other day and my arm went out to hold Jamie back in her seat. Mom and Dad did that back in The Day before seat belts and air bags and car seats.

When I use the brakes I sometimes go “Poooosh” out loud. Dad always wanted to be a Semi Truck driver or Railroad Engineer and those were the air brakes.

Lemon droops always remind me of my Oma.

Mom’s favorite perfumes were Channel #5 and Scotch.When I smell  them now, they smell of Home.

Don’t tell my Mom, but dad and I watched  Star Trek every chance we got. he said the Enterprise looked like a giant intergalactic Alka-Selzer. I can’t look at Alka-Slezer without thinking about Star Trek and visa-versa.

Dad loved the B-17  and so do I.

Dad bought a Boston terrier and named her “Jackie” cuz she was a “Boston Bitch”. My Boston terrier is named “Jackie”.

I play air piano on the steering wheel, the table, the desk and sometimes my stomach. Just like my Dad. Late in life he bought an electronic keyboard and I was thunderstruck to hear that he could really play really cool swing riffs. He insisted he couldn’t play because they weren’t “songs”.

I can finally float on my back like Dad liked to do. I try to fall asleep like Dad but the lifeguards keep waking me up. I do the breast stroke because Mom did.

I read like my Dad, constantly. I do crosswords like Mom. That’s how she taught herself English.

But that’s me. What do you do?









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