My Football Lingo

It has come to my attention that I sometimes scream at the TV.  Especially during Football games. To allay concerns of family and friends I humbly offer some of my Football Lingo.

First of all there only two real teams in the NFL. “The Beloved New England Patriots” whom I cheer for in honor of my Father, may he watch football from Heaven. In addition there are  “The Formerly Beloved Raiders” aka the Oakland Raiders whom I cheered for before becoming a fan of  “The Beloved New England Patriots”.

There are a few general rules concerning my teams.

  • There is a five yard penalty with loss of down for touching Tom Brady. He must not be disturbed while leading “The Beloved New England Patriots”  to victory.
  • “The Beloved New England Patriots” never choke. At some point in the season they choose to spend more time with their families and simply go home to be with them.
  • “The Formerly Beloved Raiders”  never cheat. They are playing hard to win.
  • Any penalty assessed to  “The Formerly Beloved Raiders” will not be interpreted as wrong doing on their part. Rather it’s just the officials noting that the opposing team are whiny pussies. This rule applies to  “The Beloved New England Patriots”  as well.

Other So Called Teams

What I Say                                                  You Know Them As…

The Cows                                                         The Cowboys

The Kittie Cats (or Kitties)                        The Panthers

The Barbequers                                              The Buccaneers

The Sheep                                                         The Rams

Josie and the Pussy Cats                            The Jaguars

Fags                                                                    The 49er’s

The Ain’ts                                                         The Saints

The Titsburg Feelers                                    The Steelers

The Crows                                                         The Ravens

The Midgets                                                      The Giants

The Birds                                                            The Cardinals

The Cheese Heads                                           The Packers

The Ponies                                                         The Broncos

The Teddy Bears                                              The Bears

The Buzzards                                                     The Falcons

The Batteries not Included                          The Chargers

The My Little Ponies                                       The Colts

The Queefs                                                           The Chiefs

The Foreskins                                                     The Redskins

The Sea Gulls                                                       The Sea Hawks

The Beagles                                                          The Eagles

The Shit                                                                  The Browns

The Jills                                                                  The Bills

The Been Gays                                                      The Bengals

The Liars                                                                 The Lions

The Fish                                                                   The Dolphins

The Boat Boys                                                       The Vikings

The Mexicans                                                        The Texans

The Goats                                                                The Rams

Al Qaeda                                                                   The Jets


The cheerleaders of “The Beloved New England Patriots” are referred to as “Girlfriends”. The cheerleaders for “The Formerly Beloved Raiders are “Significant Others”. All other NFL cheerleaders are Hookers. Three National Football League Teams have never had cheer leading squads. The Steelers, the Lions and the Giants. Also the Broncos currently have no cheerleaders. This because none of the players on these teams like girls.

Game Play

Anytime a player is injured or sometimes when they’re just standing on the side lines, you may see them offered a “Sippy Cup”.

“Sippy Cups”.

If a member of  “The Beloved New England Patriots” or “The Formerly Beloved Raiders”  is seen partaking from a “Sippy Cup” it is assumed that said “Sippy Cup” is filled with Jack Daniels. Especially “The Formerly Beloved Raiders”. With any other team it can be assumed that the “Sippy Cup” contains milk, formula or Pedialyte.

In addition, any time a “Sippy Cup” is spotted it is totally appropriate to scream “SIPPY CUP!!!!!” and consume your favorite adult beverage. Bonus points if you own your own “Sippy Cup”.


This post contains terms that are copyrighted and are the sole property of the National Football League. The use of these terms can be deemed a form of parody and is protected under the Fair Use Rule. This disclaimer  is  published to prevent the National Football League suing my ass for everything I’ve got. I pray that they don’t send some huge pipe-hitting thugs to get medieval on my ass.








6 thoughts on “My Football Lingo

  1. I feel it important to point out that the Packers are content with being called “Cheeseheads” and don’t find this a bad term in the least. Said team also has no official cheerleaders, though for home games, I’m told they tend to use the college girls, when it isn’t too cold. This is in keeping with a long tradition of using college girls, and when it gets too cold, they simply are spending more time at the tailgate party…or perhaps they are the tailgate party. I also wish to point out that in his final moments, my father was laying on the couch, watching a Packer game when he simply fell asleep and never woke up. Not a bad way to go really…BTW, the Packers won that day…

  2. I feel like this ““The Beloved New England Patriots” never choke. At some point in the season they choose to spend more time with their families and simply go home to be with them.” about the Midgets 😉

  3. EQUAL TIME: My good buddy Rob says that “The Beloved New England Patriots” should be referred to as “The Patsies”.

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