It has come to my attention that I sometimes scream at the TV. Especially during Football games. To allay concerns of family and friends I humbly offer some of my Football Lingo.
First of all there only two real teams in the NFL. “The Beloved New England Patriots” whom I cheer for in honor of my Father, may he watch football from Heaven. In addition there are “The Formerly Beloved Raiders” aka the Oakland Raiders whom I cheered for before becoming a fan of “The Beloved New England Patriots”.
There are a few general rules concerning my teams.
- There is a five yard penalty with loss of down for touching Tom Brady. He must not be disturbed while leading “The Beloved New England Patriots” to victory.
- “The Beloved New England Patriots” never choke. At some point in the season they choose to spend more time with their families and simply go home to be with them.
- “The Formerly Beloved Raiders” never cheat. They are playing hard to win.
- Any penalty assessed to “The Formerly Beloved Raiders” will not be interpreted as wrong doing on their part. Rather it’s just the officials noting that the opposing team are whiny pussies. This rule applies to “The Beloved New England Patriots” as well.
Other So Called Teams
What I Say You Know Them As…
The Cows The Cowboys
The Kittie Cats (or Kitties) The Panthers
The Barbequers The Buccaneers
The Sheep The Rams
Josie and the Pussy Cats The Jaguars
Fags The 49er’s
The Ain’ts The Saints
The Titsburg Feelers The Steelers
The Crows The Ravens
The Midgets The Giants
The Birds The Cardinals
The Cheese Heads The Packers
The Ponies The Broncos
The Teddy Bears The Bears
The Buzzards The Falcons
The Batteries not Included The Chargers
The My Little Ponies The Colts
The Queefs The Chiefs
The Foreskins The Redskins
The Sea Gulls The Sea Hawks
The Beagles The Eagles
The Shit The Browns
The Jills The Bills
The Been Gays The Bengals
The Liars The Lions
The Fish The Dolphins
The Boat Boys The Vikings
The Mexicans The Texans
The Goats The Rams
Al Qaeda The Jets
The cheerleaders of “The Beloved New England Patriots” are referred to as “Girlfriends”. The cheerleaders for “The Formerly Beloved Raiders are “Significant Others”. All other NFL cheerleaders are Hookers. Three National Football League Teams have never had cheer leading squads. The Steelers, the Lions and the Giants. Also the Broncos currently have no cheerleaders. This because none of the players on these teams like girls.
Anytime a player is injured or sometimes when they’re just standing on the side lines, you may see them offered a “Sippy Cup”.
If a member of “The Beloved New England Patriots” or “The Formerly Beloved Raiders” is seen partaking from a “Sippy Cup” it is assumed that said “Sippy Cup” is filled with Jack Daniels. Especially “The Formerly Beloved Raiders”. With any other team it can be assumed that the “Sippy Cup” contains milk, formula or Pedialyte.
In addition, any time a “Sippy Cup” is spotted it is totally appropriate to scream “SIPPY CUP!!!!!” and consume your favorite adult beverage. Bonus points if you own your own “Sippy Cup”.
This post contains terms that are copyrighted and are the sole property of the National Football League. The use of these terms can be deemed a form of parody and is protected under the Fair Use Rule. This disclaimer is published to prevent the National Football League suing my ass for everything I’ve got. I pray that they don’t send some huge pipe-hitting thugs to get medieval on my ass.
6 thoughts on “My Football Lingo”
I feel it important to point out that the Packers are content with being called “Cheeseheads” and don’t find this a bad term in the least. Said team also has no official cheerleaders, though for home games, I’m told they tend to use the college girls, when it isn’t too cold. This is in keeping with a long tradition of using college girls, and when it gets too cold, they simply are spending more time at the tailgate party…or perhaps they are the tailgate party. I also wish to point out that in his final moments, my father was laying on the couch, watching a Packer game when he simply fell asleep and never woke up. Not a bad way to go really…BTW, the Packers won that day…
“Tail gate party”? That’s slang for a sexual position, right?
I feel like this ““The Beloved New England Patriots” never choke. At some point in the season they choose to spend more time with their families and simply go home to be with them.” about the Midgets 😉
EQUAL TIME: My good buddy Rob says that “The Beloved New England Patriots” should be referred to as “The Patsies”.
UPDATE: What other team has a serial killer on their roster? How cool is that???