OUR HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE

christmastown

Valerie is a beautiful young lady works for a powerful advertising agency.  With her job on the line, she is given the mission to travel to the corporate headquarters of a major account.  She is to renew their account before the end of the year.

While traveling by car to the client, she is engulfed by a terrible blizzard.  In the blinding snowstorm, she crashes her car.  She is unhurt but there is no cell coverage so she cannot call for help.  Wearing only yoga pants and a light jacket, she has resigned herself to freezing to death when a handsome stranger drives up in a fire engine red 1957 Chevrolet pick up truck.  He offers to help her, and she accepts.  He drives her home to a small village just a few miles down the road.

The town is festooned with Christmas decorations which she learns are kept up year-round. It is aptly named “Christmastown”.  The innkeepers of the Christmastown Inn are an elderly couple.  Sam is a short balding, man with more than a couple of extra pounds who sports a full white beard.  His wife is Martha who has an equally ample figure.  They offer Valerie a room but seem to forget to charge her for it. 

The next day Valerie calls her boss to tell him of the accident.  He is unforgiving and tells her she must make the pitch before January or she is fired.  Martha suggests that what she really needs is a nice breakfast and directs her to the town diner just down the street.  The warmth of the diner in inviting as she settles in a booth to read the menu.

Just then, the handsome young stranger walks up and introduces himself as “Dylan”.  As he sits down, he orders two hot chocolates with marshmallows and peppermint sticks. He skillfully deflects any question Val has about his background.  While she complains about being so cold, the diner’s cheerful waitress says that the General Store has all that she needs. 

The garage calls and the cheerful mechanic says her car will not be fixed for days. 

With a visit to the General Store Valerie is soon decked out head to foot with the latest in a practical, stylish, sexy, flannel outfit.  The cheerful storekeeper welcomes her to Christmastown with the solemn warning not to go out at night.  The store does not seem to charge her as she leaves to explore Christmastown.  There is a banner stretching all across the street announcing that the Christmas Festival is coming on December 24th.  Dylan explains that the town is excited about the Christmas Festival.  Some townsfolk are making even more decorations, and some are collecting toys for the nearby orphanage.  He himself is in charge of getting the sleigh ready.  Valerie is surprised to find out it is a real sleigh and joins Dylan.  Decorating this and painting that. 

As Christmas approaches Valerie spends her days helping Dylan with the sleigh and her nights trying to think up a presentation for her client.  Her nighttime walks in the woods are relaxing but she does start to notice shadowy figures darting form tree to tree. She starts having feelings toward Dylan but is afraid that there is no future in them.

Out of the Blue, Valerie’s ex-fiancée shows up and demands they rekindle their romance.  He wants to whisk her away from all this drudgery and marry her in the small European city state where he is a Prince.  Dylan feels totally cock blocked and does not want Valerie to help him on the sleigh anymore. He has fallen in Love with Valerie and the asshole keeps lauding Val over Dylan by walking arm in arm and kissing her.  Ona nighttime stroll, Dylan emerges from the woods and confronts the couple.  He confesses is love for Valerie.  Asshole Prince decides that now is a good time for a fist fight.  Valerie’s tears turn to horror as Dylan transforms into a Windago in Reindeer form and pulls the Prince apart limb from limb. 

The next day is Christmas as Valerie searches for Dylan to tell him she is in Love with him too.  As night falls there is music and food and dancing in the streets.  The sleigh is in the town square loaded with presents for the poor little orphans.  She sees Dylan standing by the sleigh but before she can go to him the Client pops out of the crowd demanding to see her presentation.  She is stunned to see him with his staff and her BOSS!  She gives the Client an ad-lib presentation based on Christmas and giving and Love.  He thinks it is great and renews his contract with her ad agency.  Her boss gives her a promotion and invites her back to the city. 

Dylan emerges from the crowd to tell Valerie that he Loves her and wants to marry her.  She confesses her Love for him and joyfully accepts his proposal.  They kiss as the crowd parts again and Innkeeper Sam walks up.  He is wearing an awfully expensive Santa Suit.  The townsfolk respectively remove their hats and Val is shocked to see that everyone is sporting pointed ears.  Even DYLAN!  Sam climbs into the sleigh and addresses the townsfolk.   “CHRISTMAS IS HERE! HO! HO! HOI”.

There is a blinding blue flash, and eight tiny reindeer appear.  The Sleigh sparkles with light as it hovers off of the ground and then dashes into Christmas Night. 

“That’s my Dad,” says Dylan as the couple embrace in a long kiss and the townsfolk cheer.

WHY WE LOVE HALLMARK MOVIES

JAWS FILM FEST

Sort of.  The success of the movie “Jaws” spawned many look alike movies that we celebrate in this post.  To make our list, the movie plot requires:

  • An animal eating people.
  • A sheriff.
  • A Mayor hell bent to hold an event.
  • An animal expert.

In order of “lameness” we present:

MANEATER

A Bengal tiger appears almost  magically to munch townsfolk  who are stupid enough to wander into the woods.  Gary Busey puts in a surprisingly strong performance.  This one varies just enough from the Jaws plot to keep you on the edge of your seat.

 

GRIZZLY

Hot on the heels of JAWS, this yarn finds an eighteen-foot-tall grizzly bear terrorizing a state park, leaving it up to a Park Ranger to save the day. Christopher George gets to be the Park Ranger and wishes he was still on Rat Patrol. There’s a “Dad” instead of  a Mayor.  Just as gory as JAWS, it’s sure to scare the kids.  There’s plenty of sexy ’80’s chicks for Dad.

 

SNOWBEAST

Oh sure, pick on Bigfoot.  Sasquatch is eating the skiers at a Colorado ski resort.  Clint Walker is the Sheriff.  Bo Svenson’s reporter wife is the “expert”.  You have to suffer through long skiing and snow machine montages to get to the plot.  It is actually worth the trip as the plot builds to a genuinely scary ending.

CLAWS

The first of the rhyming knock offs, CLAWS is a bad knock off of the knock off, GRIZZLY.  Root for the bear because it’s not his fault. Bad acting combines with bad writing to  produce this stinker.  Best viewed stoned, this epic builds to a confusing and badly edited finale.  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

 

Here’s something to cleanse your viewing palate.

 

 

 

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)
Spiders this time. A small Arizona town is overrun with giant poisonous spiders. A Veterinarian (William Shatner) and an sexy Entomologist lead the charge. SPOILER ALERT: They eat an airplane.