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Three Stories About Three Women

My friends say I’m a “Weird Magnet”. That my choice in women is skewed. I have been praying , “Oh Lord, make my next wife normal”.  But you know, God doesn’t give you what you want. He gives you what you need. Contrast and compare three stories about women who have been in my life. The names have been omitted and the stories, although true have been slightly altered  So don’t out them if you recognize them. Even if it’s you. Okay?

Horses

I was dating this blonde. Bright. Beautiful.  Fun to be with. You get the picture. We were having lunch at Applebee’s when she threw her menu down in disgust. “I’m not eating here”, she fairly yelled at the top of her lungs. Fellow diners look up at this point. “What’s wrong?”, I asked.

“They serve horse meat here. You know how much I love horses. I certainly will NOT eat one”.

“This is a nice restaurant, they definitely do not have horse on the menu.”, was my reply.

“Oh yeah”, she said “Right here. Look. Philly Steak Sandwich. A Philly is a kind of horse you know”.

You could’ve heard a pin drop.

No Smoking

We were on a week long  road trip.  California or Bust.  Each day was filled with fun as we stopped at every roadside attraction we stumbled upon. The lady I was with was thrilled to be going to California. She had only been to Disneyland as a child and was looking forward to us spending a few days roaming Southern California seeing places she’d only seen on TV.

When we crossed the border into California her mood darkened as the miles went by. Bitchy. Yeah, that’s the word. Nothing I said or did could cheer her up. For about an hour she just sat there sulking. “Why don’t you have a cigarette”, I offered “You seem to need one.”

With a scowl on her face she turned and said, “I can’t!  They don’t let you smoke in California.”

Young and in Love

People who have never been in combat speak of War like virgins talk about sex. With enthusiasm and ignorance.  We were young and in Love. Like many young couples sex was an adventure into untrod territory. Kissing led to petting. Petting led to groping. She was shy and I spent hours trying to lead her into some good old fashioned sex. Neither one of us was a virgin, but in the year that we had been dating had never made love.  The high point of our sex life was stalled at oral sex. In her efforts, she was  very enthusiastic and her technique was such that I had my doubts about the number of boyfriends she claimed to have had.

Then came the day I broached the question that almost every man I know asks at one point or another. “Why don’t you try and swallow it this time”, I asked in the most polite manner I could muster at times like these.

“I can’t”, she said “If it gets in  my stomach I might get pregnant.”


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