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Things You Notice When Your Old

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  1. Children should not dress up as policemen.
  2. That goes for the military as well.
  3. You have a pill box.
  4. Periods show up randomly until they’re a wistful memory.
  5. Depends start looking like a good idea.
  6. Men sit when they pee.
  7. You stop driving because your car gives you sass-mouth.
  8. That $1000 mortgage you paid off and is replaced by medical insurance.
  9. Your kids seem unusually tall.
  10. Your dogs get smaller.
  11. Your cats look at you like they’re sizing you up for dinner.
  12. You pill box now has “AM” and “PM” boxes.
  13. You start getting burial expense ads in your mail.
  14. Without your glasses you need a dog with a handle.
  15. Taking a shit becomes a treasure hunt that your doctor sends you on.
  16. You get a fake ID to prove you’re 62.
  17. What day of the week is it? You don’t have a clue and don’t give a fuck.
  18. Stairs become a life and death situation.
  19. The word “sex” becomes a  noun instead of a verb.
  20. The obituary page starts looking like a high school reunion.
  21. You sit in the shower.
  22. You’re not as smart as your phone.
  23. You can’t find your glasses.
  24. You have to do math to figure out how old you are.
  25. When people guess your age, they get it right on the button.

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