Chippie’s List

Have you seen Skippy’s List on the internet? I hereby present Chippie’s List. Feel free to add to the list but don’t make shit up. You won’t have to. We were rowdier than the 496th but not as dumb as the 10th.

 

  1. When applying face paint you cannot imitate KISS.

 

  1. Do not address the commander as “Mom”.

 

  1. Do not use the phrase “This is all BULLSHIT!” during an Article 15 hearing.

 

  1. Do not park your car in the ditch in front of the Security Police desk.

 

  1. Opening a bar while the C-130 is in flight is forbidden.

 

  1. You cannot run a bar out of your dorm room and undercut the prices at the NCO club.

 

  1. M-80’s will not be lit and then flushed.

 

  1. Do not refer to the German cleaning ladies as KGB officers.

 

  1. When launching the airplane, Nazi salutes are not authorized.

 

  1. When doing a maintenance run, it is not authorized to “run her up” to blow the softball back into play and there by ruin a perfectly good home run.

 

  1. Nothing will not ever be stolen from any mini golf course.

 

  1. The Sears credit card is not accepted at any Spanish whore house.

 

  1. Bunks belong in the dorm room, not on the roof.

 

  1. An officer’s personal belongings are not to be transferred to the roof, even if his roommate helps.

 

  1. The expediter truck will not be used on a beer run.

 

  1. Swords will not be brandished while boarding the aircraft.

 

  1. No one will be forced to wear the gas mask for 12 hours in their own personal “Black”.

 

  1. You cannot tell the maintenance officer you fixed the jet with your “magic wrench”.

 

  1. Vacuum cleaners will not be flown from dorm windows.

 

  1. You cannot claim to be a shot down P-51 pilot when the Polizei pull you drunk from the river.

 

  1. Getting drunk at wine fests will not be used as a bulletin statement for an Achievement Medal.

 

  1. Flipping the pilot off during a launch is not authorized, even if he flips you off first.

 

  1. Back flips, dancing, sexual simulations or anything the Navy does are not authorized hand signals during a aircraft launch.

 

  1. You will not pull anyone off weekend duty to go play paintball.

 

 

  1. Men cannot ask to go home early because their periods just started.

 

  1. Earrings or jewelry will not be worn in formation, especially if you’re giving the briefing.

 

  1. You will not simulate anal sex when the commander pops into the club to check up on the troops.
Flight Chief Fred

 

  1. No fair getting an F-15 pilot drunk and leave him passed out of the pool table.

 

 

  1. German nationals will not be used as “cover” while playing paintball.

 

  1. Only MRE’s can be eaten during LSN’s. When asked “Where did you get that fruit cup?”, you cannot say that you looted the B.X.

 

  1. Calling a Puppy Pile on members of sister Wings is frowned upon.

 

 

 

  1. You will not reset your roommate’s alarm clock so that they report to swing shift instead of day shift.

 

  1. Spiking anyone’s drink with ex-lax is just not funny.

 

  1. Sneaking into someone’s room in the middle of the night, dressed as a Ninja is NOT funny.

 

  1. Kamikaze head bands will not be worn at work.

 

  1. There will be no Jammer Races.

 

  1. Do not take newbies to Spanish Gay bars saying it’s just a regular Spanish bar and leave them there alone.

 

  1. You cannot take members of other squadrons hostage and ransom them for beer,

 

  1. You cannot stop a taxing aircraft just to spray paint a Puppy Patch on the wing tank.

 

  1. You cannot announce that the 10th AMU uses comic books for tech data. You can’t call them “The Gay Blades”.

 

  1. Do not smash the expediter board to tiny bits.

 

  1. Do not replace pictures on the Crew Chief board with sexually suggestive photos.

 

  1. Do not yell “Bombs Away” when throwing salt bags out of the expediter truck.

 

  1. Do not yell “SCORE!” if said bag hits anyone or anything.

 

  1. Taxi ways are not to be confused with the Autobahn.

 

  1. Never steal a saxophone from an undercover Polizei.

 

  1. Do not involve the Secretary of State during your unauthorized vacation to Sweden by declaring Diplomatic Immunity.

 

  1. Ice Slides will not be set up in the hallways of dorms.

 

  1. Hallway Soccer is forbidden.

 

  1. You cannot equip your crew chief shack with a cooler, TV or microwave.

 

  1. You cannot piss in the ditch next to your shelter and then direct the Ammo troops to take cover there during a Red.

 

  1. Do not dare the Maintenance Officer to beat the Rasputin Special Drinking Record.

 

  1. Never drain a center line fuel tank by popping the drains and then tow it around until it’s empty.

 

  1. It is a bad idea to check out the Coleman and use it to jump start your car at the B.X.

 

  1. When told to paint a revetment do not paint a giant naked lady.

 

  1. Corn cobs will not be attached to aircraft.

 

  1. If the pilot asks you if you fixed the jet  DO NOT answer “Probably”.

 

  1. “Smoke checking” aircraft circuits is not an authorized trouble shooting technique.

 

  1. When playing handball in a shelter, points are not scored when you hit the aircraft.

 

  1. Make damn sure the jet is all the way before closing the blast doors.

 

  1. Make damn sure you know where the Maintenance Officer’s truck is parked BEFORE opening the blast doors.

 

63 Do not pick up the Officer’s rental car and put it on the grass.

 

  1. There will be no “Body Surfing” on the flight line.

 

 

  1. Jet engines will not be hung from the ceiling by cargo straps.

66.You cannot piss on the floor while sitting at a table in the Wagon Wheel because your too drunk to get to the bathroom.

 

67.You do not buy ANY Turkish guys Rocky as a joke and not expect to have to drink at least three bottles that they buy you and your friends

 

68.Do not spit from the third story of the dorm and have someone catch that spit, in their mouth. With witnesses.

 

69.Do not buy a guy named “Guido” 20 Kamikaze’s and not expect him to announce to the whole bar he’s gay as soon as the music stops. On top of his bar stool!

 

70.Under any circumstance don’t let drunk engine mechs steal any tractors.

 

71.The phrase “Suicide Screen”, while sightly funny, does not impress a 30 year Chief!! You will become the dorm manager!!

 

72.Remember it is unsafe to play “How many snow sticks can I knock down with the coleman” after it snows.

 

73.Never do “Brake Checks” with the MB-4 after adjusting the “Governor”

 

74.Never “Chock the Tab Vee”, unless you can blame “Guido”

 

75.Playing “El Toro” with Taxi’s in Spain is strictly forbidden

 

76.Stripping off your shirt while dancing with all your male friends in a Turkish Disco that has stalactites for a ceiling could be considered “Crossing the Line” and not so much bonding.

 

77.It’s not going to be a good TDY when the Chief pulls you aside and says “Hey _______ How many local nationals Were you trying to piss off last night”

 

78.Kung Fu Fighting is better left a song then something that happens when your drunk in the dorms with your buds, someone WILL break a leg!!!

 

79.You must ensure that your 370 tanks are empty of all fuel if you plan on using a Hahn dolly to drop them. You might get stuck. Slap checking them don’t count.

 

  1. Auggie Doggie shacks shouldn’t be used as a shitter, even if your jet is down, taxing back and you have to go really bad!!

 

  1. During an exercise you cannot rig up fire crackers around your friends Tab Vee and then giggle when they start going off.

 

  1. Don’t ever tell an SP during a load out that it’s ” Not just cement, It’s the real thing” just to see what will happen.

 

  1. Watch out for the “Tui Falago” “Hit and Run”

 

  1. Keep The Tops in Blues away from any fences and fire, not a good mix, especially if their drunk

 

  1. Spanish Taxi drivers don’t like it when you beat the shit out of the back of their seat while yelling Mother Fucker at them, really, they don’t.

 

  1. When your buddy passes out and falls off their bar stool at Rasputin’s it IS okay to let them just lie there. Their bound to get up sooner or later.

 

  1. Never Ever leave a skinny white guy from St Louis who stutters in your room alone with your case of San Miguel. It will be gone and he will be drunk and you WILL be pissed.

 

  1. Never piss on the front door of someone’s apartment while waiting for a cab.

 

  1. Never put a drunk in a cab if they don’t want to. They’ll just come back and demand you drive them home.

 

  1. Never flip off the old guy running the mechanical bull. You’ll wind up over by the foosball tables.

 

  1. Never ride the mechanical bull like you did the bull at the rodeo. You’ll break your hand on the low ceiling.

 

  1. Never bum a Turkish cigarette and expect to pass a piss test.

 

  1. While on Nuclear Alert, never tell the undercover psychologist that there is no drug problem at Hahn, “We get all the drugs we want.”

 

  1. It’s forbidden to beat the shit out of some Army types while defending the Honor of the Air Force at the Bowling Alley.

 

  1. When the undercover psychologist asks what your favorite MWR facility is, “My neighbor’s wife” is not the correct response.

 

  1. Dwarf Tossing in a Turkish bar is frowned upon.

 

  1. Do not Armor-All the stairs in the Admin Shelter.

 

  1. Do not relocate your Flight Chief’s office to the latrine.

 

  1. Liquid Oxygen will not be used to freeze frogs.

 

NUMBER 100

 

During an ICT, do not park the jet so that it’s exhaust heats up a Mk 86 and spins up the fuse. Things become waaaaay too exciting.

 

  1. You will not back a fuel truck into the shelter and in the process rip it open on the crew door and dump all it’s fuel into the shelter.

 

  1. ECM pods will not be used as chocks when backing fuel trucks into shelters.

 

103 You will NOT crash the expediter truck while on a “run” downtown and then pay Germans in beer to fix it before anyone finds out.

 

  1. Do not ask a Turkish Girl to dance before talking to her brother. This will force you to sneak out the bathroom window, be chased by the Turkish Police and Army and only ends when you jump the fence to sneak back onto base.

 

104.Never throw refrigerator magnets at an age guys head just because you know he has a metal plate in his head and want to see if they stick.

 

  1. Do not pour blue engine dye down someone’s pants who is PCSing out, just to give him BLUEBALLS…

 

  1. When launching an aircraft, do not make the sign of the cross.

 

  1. When praying to the Fog God to cancel first goes, it helps to know the correct mantra to chant…

 

  1. Donuts are for eating, not leaving on the asphalt.

 

  1. Being appointed the official unit historian is great but do not video tape anything.

 

  1. Do not microwave a pizza for 15 minutes. Burning a hole through the top of the micro and setting off the fire alarm that nobody paid attention to.

 

  1. Do not put soap in your pee.

 

  1. At any reunion, you will not claim your extremely drunk friend is in diabetic shock to get a wheel chair from the casino/hotel staff.

 

  1. Never fuck with Tui Falago’s boom box when the Doobie Brothers are playing.

 

  1. When zapping the 496th flagship with a Puppy sticker, make sure they don’t have a camera.
  2. Remember that it’s ALWAYS Tui’s birthday at the Club, so buy him a beer.

 

  1. If your aircraft forms list ‘Rosie Cobb-Roller’ from Pigsty, Iowa as the crew chief you’re going to Killian’s Court.

 

  1. Don’t take down all the CMsgt of the Air Force pictures at the Zaragoza NCO Club.
  2. Don’t park a jet backwards in the shelter.  Don’t hang ECM pods wherever you feel like it.
 120.  You will not bounce your helmet off the expediter board in a fit of rage, thereby ruining a perfectly good windshield.
121. No one will be thrown into the Puppy Pond.
122.  Never duct tape anyone with an officer present.

123. Riding nuclear weapons is strictly forbidden.

Even if they’re fake.

124. Do not pose for pictures at Red Flag.

 125.  Pilots will not be Puppy Piled, they’re expensive.
126. Do not store lobsters inside the airplane.  They get loose, die and then stink up the whole place.
127.  Never spike the AMU coffee pot with a whole box of ExLax on your last day in Germany.

Have You Lost that Lovin’ Feeling?

The Lucky Puppies were deployed to Zaragoza, Spain for weapons training when TOPGUN premiered in Europe.  Everyone wanted to go see it.

We were turning and burning all week long.  We deployed twice a year from our base in Germany. Hahn AB was notorious for bad weather, the deployments gave us two shots of 30 days in good weather to do all the things that just couldn’t be done safely back home.

Hahn AB in February.

 

The first showing was Friday night in the base theater.  As we strapped the pilots in for the last go, they were told to not screw around. Bring the jets back early and do not break them. They wanted to go see Top Gun as much as we did and they promised to not screw up the show.

Here we are in  Zaragoza, Spain. Six out of twelve jets.

FRIDAY

You send them to school and pay them big bucks and pilots still fly jets like boys on bikes.  We stood there watching as they wheeled into the pattern. Everyone is looking at their watch. Timing how long the Post Flight Inspections would take. Would we get to the 7pm showing or the 9pm? What do the pilots do? They start shooting touch and goes. Over and over. By onesies and twosies they wander in to park. And they come in broke all to hell. We even had an engine change. We were there all night working on them.

Needless to say we were pissed. To add insult to injury we worked Saturday as well. No movie for us. Then something wonderful happened. The pilots were feeling bad about screwing up our weekend. The movie was sold out Friday and Saturday and it didn’t look good for Sunday. So they all chipped in and rented the theater for us on Sunday. Our own private showing.

SUNDAY

So it’s 2pm and we were in the theater all by ourselves. Just the squadron. Officers and enlisted. Rowdy as hell.  I still pity the girl running the concession stand. For some reason it was behind the screen so she had a booth set up on the left of the stage. To fill an order she would disappear behind the curtain and then reappear with sodas, popcorn and junk. She was a cutie and every time she reappeared she would be met with hoots and howls and whistles. One of the officers finally stood up and told us to knock it off. Maybe he was talking to the pilots. Maybe to everyone. Everyone shut up.

The lights go down and the curtains open. We all stand for the National Anthems of America and Spain (that happens in military theaters). Somebody yells “PLAY BALL!” and we all sit down. The movie was great. we got loud again. The Crew Chiefs are hooting and cheering. The pilots are going, “That’s you Dude. No that’s you asshole.” A great time was had by all.

MONDAY

Everyone was still buzzing from the movie. People were already doing their favorite scenes. We already fell into “Topgun Talk”.

“Hey, you going to just sit there or do some Crew Chief Shit?”

“Holy Shit! It’s QA, break right.”

“Maddog defeats the QVI with a technical deviation.”

Sylvia on the Comm Cord.

But business is business and we still were working. When you launch a jet you’re on a Comm Cord so that you can talk to the pilot as we go through the launch procedures. There’s a button on the cord and you press it to talk. It takes three decisions to launch an F-16. The pilot is looking at his stuff in the cockpit. You’re looking for leaks and stuff on the outside. Then the aircraft itself has to decide if it wants to fly. It’s called the BIT check (Built in Test). We call it the “Funky Chicken”. As the BIT check runs, the flight controls twitch and shudder as the Flight Computer checks to see if everything is all right. It looks like an epileptic bird. Hence, “Funky Chicken”.

 

While it’s going through it’s paces I’ve got nothing to do but stand there. You’ll get your head hit if you’re under the jet. Well, I’m still hyped on Top Gun so I start singing “You Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”. I get to the chorus when I notice someone is singing along with me. It’s the pilot. I’ve got a hot mic on the cord and he can hear me. I abruptly stop singing. He finishes the chorus and says, “I loved the movie too chief. Flight controls clear.”

THE AFTERMATH

The Navy gets “Topgun” and the Air Force gets “Iron Eagle” (or as I like to say, “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Meets the Air Force”). There is no justice in the world. But “You Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” is still one of my good ones on Karaoke Night. We pulled that stunt on many unsuspecting ladies at the NCO club.

More Lucky Puppy Stuff

EVER FLY IN A JET FIGHTER?

HOW DO I TALK TO A CREW CHIEF?

THE BEST OF CHIPPIE’S LIST

WERE YOU A LUCKY PUPPY?