Are you Zoned for Zombies?

H. R. 3962
“To provide affordable, quality health care for all Americans and reduce
the growth in health care spending, and for other purposes.”

Other purposes in deed!

Under provisions of the Obamacare Bill (HR3962) both public and private property was zoned in regards to care for Zombism and restrictions of the growth of Zombism and Zombies specifically. Click here to read entire contents of HR3962.

Specifically:

19 (a) COMMUNITY ZONING
20     (1) Zombie free public. Zombie services not allowed.
21     (2) Restricted Zombie public. Maximum of five(5) Zombies per block.
22     (3) Limited Zombie public. Maximum of one(1) Zombie per business location.
23     (4) Designated Zombie public. Unrestricted number of Zombies in Zoned area.
24     (5) Zombie free private. Zero (0) Zombies allowed per household.
25     (6) Restricted Zombie private. Maximum of five(5) Zombies per household.
26     (7) Limited Zombie private. Maximum of one(1) Zombie per household.
27     (8) Designated Zombie private. Unrestricted number of Zombies in household.

Read SECTION 212 in its entirety HERE.

The Cat’s Out of the Bag- The Tumor is on the Table

I hope nobody noticed, but you probably did.  I have been a nervous wreck for the past couple of weeks. If you really want a punch in the stomach, have your child call you and tell you they found a tumor.

Fuck…..me.

The story starts two weeks or so ago.  Brian is on  Prilosec for acid reflux. Urinary tract infections are a side effect (I think, so don’t sue me). Anyway..Brian GOES TO THE DOCTOR to get looked at.  The doctor examines him as says,

“Congratulations, you just won a free ride on the CAT scanner”.

So then I get the call. The kind where they ask you if you’re sitting down and not driving. Brian tells me he has a tumor.  Not a cute, little “We’re glad we found it early” kind.  A big HONKING SOFTBALL SIZED, fucking tumor.

Our Family deals with stress with humor.

Great. Now what? When is the biopsy?

There are a bunch of heroes in this story and one of the early ones was his doctor. Doc says, “FUCK THIS, let’s get you in for a biopsy.” There was a scheduling conflict and apparently Doc got Medieval on the scheduling chick until she pulled her head out of her ass and got with the program.

Then comes the Biopsy and a camera up the pee-pee for some YouTube clips.  Good news is that The Alien (Brian’s pet name for his new pet) hasn’t invaded the bladder. Bad news, tumor is some diabolically rare sucker that has the staff doing a pool to see what kind it really is.  Big money riding on Bladder Cancer but Kidney Cancer is coming up fast on the rail.

It’s been a week now and if I haven’t started smoking again I must have REALLY Quit.

So Surgury is scheduled for …well…today. But this is last week and I have to get through this weekend.  I have Rosie and Andy to keep me company (Read Busy).  I throw a punkin carving contest.  Sorta works.  But not for long.

Sleep completely optional at this point.

Andy drags me to FRIGHTDOME last night. Except for the cut up bodies on the surgical tables, FRIGHT DOME really works. Especially…

DAN SPERRY.

I get home about one dark thirty this morning and pass out exhausted.

Slept until 0830 and missed the whole damn thing.  But our family is so electronically wired that we can be bicoastal and still feel like we’re in the same room.  My first clue was missed phone call at 0714.  Then the voice mail. Four text messages from Abby and two from Tina. Everything seems to have gone perfectly but I call anyway,,,,DUH.

And the winner is…….

COLON CANCER

No..the real winner is Brian who noticed something was wrong, went to the doctor to be seen and then did what it he had to, to get the job done.

So go get your boobies schmushed.  Go get your testicles ultrasounded (with the WARM gel…ummmmm….yummy).  If your mole is bleeding.

If you find a lump ANYWHERE!  Go get it looked at.

Quirky, Dark Humor

This story ends with a happy ending. The surgery went well, the Doc thinks he got it all.

Unsung Heroes

ABBY as the unflinching heroic wife.

TINA as the Mom that Brian never had.

TIMM as the brother who masterminded family time.

ANDY as the unflinching heroic friend.