Crazy Californian Laws

When I lived in Nevada, my Dad thought I was on parole and couldn’t leave the State.  Dad lived in Monterey County.  I told him,

“I can’t come to California.  I can’t bring my gun.  They have a shoot on sight smoking policy, the red meat is illegal and they’re working on the yellow cheese.”


Now, more than 15 years later, it has become weirder than that.


A waiter will be arrested if he gives you a plastic straw that you haven’t specifically asked for.

In San Jose and Sunnyvale it is illegal for grocery stores to provide plastic bags.

You may only throw a frisbee at the beach in Los Angeles County, CA with the lifeguard’s permission.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

You have to pass a background check every time you buy ammunition.

“Bullet Button Ban.” For years, California Democrats have sought to ban a made-up classification of semi-auto rifles with “evil features” that they re-named “assault weapons” for propaganda purposes.  They’ve now banned the switch that selects either safe or semi-auto.  They call this the “Bullet Button”.

By 2020, the minimum wage will be $15 per hour.  Thereby destroying entry level jobs and small businesses.

The “Hands Free” Law. This is another example of government gone wild. AB1785 prescribes driver behavior so severely that in and of itself, I believe it will cause more accidents — and more deaths. Not only must the phone be dash mounted — meaning you’ll have a permanent distraction right in front of you — but you may not text, take photos or video, or enter GPS destinations while driving. Fat chance of stopping those activities with a mere $20 fine. The bill does stipulate that “the only time a driver is allowed to touch the device is when he or she is activating or deactivating a “feature or function.” However, that process should only involve a “single swipe or tap of the driver’s finger,” according to the bill,” reports. How about “hands off” my phone instead of an unenforceable “hands free” law?

The Single User Toilet.  Banks of urinals in the men’s room and multiple stalls in the ladies room will be phased out and replaced by the “single user toilet”.  Only two are required and there can be no gender designation. AB 1732

Ghost Gun Ban. AB 857 requires that if you build your own guns and possess the skills and tools to do so, you must get a registration number from the State for a gun you might build. Once you build it, you must get another number for the next gun you might build.


Dairy farmers must capture cow farts or face heavy fines.  CARB (CA Air Resources Board) suggests inserting a tube into the cow’s digestive system and venting into a backpack. SB 1383

Legalizing Child Prostitution. This law bars law enforcement from arresting sex workers who are under the age of 18 for soliciting or engaging in prostitution, or loitering with intent to do so. So teenage girls (and boys) in California will soon be free to have sex in exchange for money without fear of arrest or prosecution.  SB1322

To pay for some of the housing relief programs, the state has added a fee of $75 to $225 per month on mortgages.  SB2

California will be the first state to require ingredient labeling on cleaning products used in your home.  SB258 

Jaywalking is no longer illegal. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Californians who do not identify as male or female will have to wait until 2019 to be given a third option for listing their gender on driver’s licenses and birth certificates. SB179

Pricey dogs and cats can no longer be financed. California will ban the financing method after people complained that they did not understand that they were renting the pet, which was subject to repossession if the loan was not paid back. AB1491 

But that doesn’t matter because as of Jan. 1 2019, pet stores in California will be allowed to sell only rescue and shelter dogs, cats and rabbits. AB485 

In the city of Walnut,  children may not wear a Halloween mask unless they have a special permit from the sheriff.

In Chico, detonating a nuclear device within city limits will result in a $500 fine. 

Chico has also made it illegal to own a green animal.

In Dana Point, it is illegal to open a bathroom window. (CA Air Resources Board)

It is illegal to store your things in your garage. Chapter 6 of the San Francisco Housing Code 399-89



Pico Blanco Boy Scout Camp

When I was 11 or 12 (1970ish) Boy Scout Troop 159 went to camp in Pico Blanco.  Shit got weird.

BSA Troop 159 circa 1974. Different Scoutmaster.

We set up our Army issue pup tents and spent the day hiking, playing capture the flag, tying knots and other Boy Scout shit.  After dinner and a hearty sing along at the campfire we settled in to sleep.  We were briefed that Pico Blanco had not one but two herds of wild pigs in residence.  We were warned not to keep food in our tents lest a pig comes in a roots around.  Trash cans were rigged to be pulled up off the ground to be “pig proof”.


In the middle of the night, I woke up.  I could hear the trash cans being knocked around.  “PIGS!”, I thought.  I could hear grunting and growling.  After a few minutes that seemed like hours, I could hear one shuffling to the tent.  I tried to wake up my tent mate, but he kept sleeping.  I grabbed my sheaf knife and my army issue mess kit knife and waited.  I peeked out of the gap at the bottom of the tent.  My view was then filled with fur.  It stank to High Heaven.  I laid there terrified until I finally fell asleep.  

Our Scoutmaster was an asshole.  Twenty-something he always bragged about his time in the Army.  He’d go on about all the things he’d seen and done.  Like sledding down the Matterhorn on a truck tire.  The ultimate Macho Man, he refused a tent and decided to sleep in a burnt out tree.  

The next morning I was awakened by a clamor.  Everyone was shouting.  There was our fearless Scoutmaster, bare chested.  He was standing with his arms crossed and had a huge black, blue and purple bruise that covered his whole shoulder.  He refused to answer questions, in fact he refused to talk at all.  Apparently, he woke up to investigate the noises.  He was armed with a revolver.  It was cold and he’d crossed his arms for warmth.

Something?  Startled him and he had pulled the trigger.  The pistol did not go off, but the hammer pinched his underarm.  He had stood there all night, afraid to move lest he shoot himself. Afraid to move at all.  We eventually, safely removed the pistol from his hand and underarm.  He quit the Boy Scouts the next day.


Years later and learned about Bigfoot.  Over the years, I’ve never connected Sasquatch to this story.  All I heard were sounds.  All I saw was fur.  We had a pig farm in our town and it kinda smelled like that.  Bad.

This is Pico Blanco today.


What do you think?