Santa Target of DOJ Investigation

In a stunning move, the Senate Judiciary Committee subpoenaed Santa to answer questions under oath.  Responding to an report by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Christopher Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) appeared before the SJC to answer questions about the circumstances surrounding the deletion of almost 30 Billion emails from children in 47 countries.

santa-emails

First brought forward by a North Pole whistle blower and culminating in an FBI sting operation code named SANTASSHAT, FBI Director James Comey now says there is enough evidence to go to a Grand Jury.

santa-elf

In a Lucky Puppy exclusive, we were granted an interview with an elf that we will call “Tinkle”.

LP: “Why did you insist on anonymity as a condition for this interview?”

Tinkle: “First and foremost I have a wife and kids to think about. There were  death threats as well.”

LP: “Death threats?”

Tinkle: “Oh yeah, there a bunch of pissed off kids out there and you never can predict what they’re capable of.”

LP: “What are your allegations?”

Tinkle: “Over the last year or so we’ve been getting more emails from children instead of letters.”

LP: “Santa didn’t like that?”

Tinkle: “At first we thought it was just a technology thing.  Santa’s real old-fashioned.  As time went on it became personal with him.  In the end he just didn’t give a shit.”

LP: “Wow! What does that mean?”

Tinkle: “Santa became depressed and he relapsed.  The drinking and of course drugs.  It was the same old downward spiral.”

LP: “But what about the emails?”

Tinkle: “An internal audit of 2014 found emails from children missing. At the time there wasn’t any apparent cause.  The servers were wiped clean with eggnog.  Then about a year ago we were administering Santa’s Night Attack of barbiturates and amphetamines when he turned up missing from his bedroom.  It was Mrs Claus that found him.  He was in the computer room surrounded by empty Jack Daniels and eggnog bottles and drooling on the keyboard.”

LP: “That was when you found out it was Santa himself that was deleting the emails himself?”

Tinkle: “Yes, of course. We tried to solve it internally but he became violent and there were injuries.  We had to involve the authorities.”

LP: “Where does it go moving forward?”

Twinkle: “We are cooperating with the FBI and the DOJ. Some of our workers will testify if they’re granted immunity.”

LP: “Why immunity?”

Tinkle: “Drugs.”

LP: “Oh.”

Tinkle: “I would rather not talk about that aspect of the investigation.”

 

At that point “Tinkle” got up and left the room.

“MOM! The FBI is at the Door”

Our neighbor joined the Navy and wanted to ride on Submarines so the F.B.I. dropped by to chat.

I was 17 or 18 and a knock came at the door. I answered it and found two guys in suits and sunglasses at the door. The taller one said, “I’m Agent [so and so] and this is Agent [so and so] and we’d like to talk to you about [name redacted]. Mom was in the shower and I yelled, “MOM….THE FBI IS AT THE DOOR”. At this point she pops out of bathroom stark naked and yells, “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO LIE!”
It’s then she sees the F.B.I. standing at the door and flees to the refuge of her bedroom.
[Awkward silence]
The agent says, “We’ll wait until your Mother is ready”.

Years later I encounter the F.B.I. again. This time I’m being cleared for what I later found out was the Stealth Program. I was 32 and never had been arrested, questioned or charged but they showed me my FBI file.
“We have a serious bet going down in the office and we want to know if you really did this”, said the agent has he slid a piece of paper across the table. “Did you shoot a cow with a rocket”?
“No, I shot AT the cow. Missed and hit a tree.”
“You built a bazooka in the Fourth Grade?”
“Yeah, but it didn’t work real well because we had to carry a car battery around.”
WHAT I DIDN’T TELL THE FBI
I actually had two versions of my rocket. Type II had an antipersonnel warhead.

ROCKET

The design pictured above has key design points missing and I assure you this design doesn’t work. So don’t try this at home.
When I got the final design, I put it in the bench vise on the work bench in our garage. I then put a number ten coffee can over the rocket and pushed the launch button.
The motor fired as advertised and there was a few moments of silence.
BOOM!
The coffee can had developed a bad case of acne. B-B’s pinged off of the floor and one or two hit the washer and drier. Little did I know that Dad had just came home from work and was enjoying a beer in the living room.
The door from the kitchen flew open and Dad screamed, “WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL WAS THAT?????”
Needless to say I was grounded for a while and the rocket never got a test flight.