Armed with little more than some borrowed tools, a few pieces of scrap metal, some spare wood and a single handgun between them, a plucky band of racist children began work on the stalled border wall outside of Brisbee, Arizona today.
The kids, numbering an even dozen of both girls and boys between the ages of 5 and 12, exalted what they envision will be a “cool and ginormous wall” that will, “Keep all the beaners out.”
“We’re sick of all the spics coming over here and taking all our jobs,” Aiden Pruitt, 10, remarked. “My dad used to be an airplane pilot, but now he just sits around drinking and yelling at us all the time.”
Asked whether his father was replaced by an illegal immigrant, the boy confronted the reporter, who was Hispanic, inquiring whether he was, “Some kind of a wise ass.”
“I came here to do two things: build a fucking wall and kick some Mexican ass,” the boy said. “And it looks like we’re all out of wood and shit.”
As of press time, the racist children had completed approximately twenty feet of border wall, leaving nearly 1,954 more miles to go.
The Cable News Network (CNN) has announced a major editorial change. Starting on April 1, 2017, CNN broadcasts will be entirely composed of anti-Trump memes, pictures of cats and reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BBC News – Suicide Bomber’s Strike Enters Third Day.
Suicide bombers in Britain are on strike since Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
“Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained,
“I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.