Surviving COVID-19

corona

COVID-19, also known as the Corona Virus is spreading like rumor that you are a slut. Here are some handy bits of info to help you survive the 2020 pandemic.

symptoms
  • Do not touch anyone.
  • Do not touch your face.
  • Wash your hands at least five times a day.
  • Use hand sanitizer every time you touch something.
  • Make your own sanitizer with aloe vera gel and alchohol.
  • Stay at home.
  • Never open your front door.
  • Avoid having sex.
  • Only eat canned food and only after you sanitize the can.
  • Drink as much alcohol that you can tolerate to sanitize your internal organs.
  • If you must go out, burn your clothes upon your return.
  • Forget using toilet paper. Instead, shower every time you poop.
  • Wash your money.
  • Try to get every one you know arrested.
  • Push “sketchy” family members out the door.
  • Sanitize or kill your pets.
  • If you don’t have rubbing alcohol, make sanitizer with aloe vera and gasoline.
  • Avoid being abducted by aliens.
  • Shave all hair from your body.
  • Shave the pets you want to keep.
  • Give sleeping pills to your small children you so they no longer want to play outside.
bingo
  • Make cleaning you guns a family activity.
  • Fire bomb your car.
  • Destroy your television and any device that connects to the Internets.
  • If a family member coughs, murder them and burn their body.
  • Kill yourself to prevent infection,

Why Blog at All?

I write this blog to give my friends a break. Rather than spamming them with a bazillion fowarded emails I have chosen to leave most of the good ones right here (and here, and here too) where they can find them if they want to.

I do reserve the right to Spam you if I chose to do so.

Check it out! It's me right now!

It’s getting hard for me to remember that I’ve been at this since 1998. That’s when I returned to the Internets and started a webpage for my friends who weren’t cool enough to own a WebTV.  Yes, returned. I really started playing with the World Wide Web in 1975 while working for the Navy. Got the first PC in 1990. Back then it was blue screen, Z Modem, push send and go watch a movie. After the movie, see it your email got sent. Nope. Try again.

I began my boycott when Al Gore invented the Internet and I have to PAY for it.

In Real Estate, it’s location, location, location. On the Internets, it’s security, security, security.

Around 2001 I was thinking I was pretty hot shit when I got hit by my first worm. I had to find out at the library of all places. Not just any worm mind you. An underage, violent, Asian, bestial triple fucking X-rated worm. I had to scrap three years of a forum I had going and lost a healthy readership. Some of which  probably still think I’m a perv.

Do you want to be famous?

If you’re going to put your opinions on the Web, two things will happen.

One, you’re going to be famous. Not Rock Star, Movie Star famous. Oh no, you lose your privacy and get none of the cash. Get a good spam filter or learn to read fast.

Two, someone, anyone and then everyone will argue with you, criticize you and finally just plain insult you. My all time favorite is this one. This guy bitched about an apostrophe (thank you Spell Checker). It’s my favorite because my readers came to my defense and the rednecks that do read my stuff didn’t even have to chime in. Which brings me to…

Who’s Going to Read Your Shit?

No one….live with it. Your little site is a tiny orange rubber raft in the middle of the Internet Ocean and the rescue helicopter isn’t going to find you. I’ve been through stages where I’m convinced nobody reads any of this and then I hit my all time high of 107,000 hits on a site I put up for practice and forgot to take it down. I was just practicing making banners with my Photoshop and threw this up to see what it looked like.

You can try to send up a flare or put out a dye marker. Like…

1. Use meta code that search engines can find AND use.

2. Pick keywords and pick alot of keywords.

3. Swap links with everyone you meet. It’s free advertising.

4. Promote yourself. Put a link on your email so that when your spamming a friend they know where to go for more abuse.

5. Leave little turds everywhere you go. When you leave a comment, leave a link. No matter what, someone will step on it and drive traffic to your rubbish.

If you’re going to slave over a hot keyboard, you might as well get paid.

Sort of, but not really. My site took off with Operation Iraqi Freedom (thank you George Bush). I don’t know why, but I went from a couple of hundred hits a month to thousands. That’s when I took off all the ads that were making other people money and started putting up ads that make me money. The survivors are listed to the right of this paragraph (———-> over there!). Please take time to investigate these excellent sites.

Now we return from our sponsors…. Being all cool and hip now, I have learned that I Monetized my Site. That’s Internet lingo for putting ads on your stuff that make you money.  Not the huge amounts that you see in the ads. It’s enough to fund your site expenses but not enough to attract the IRS (less than $600  a year).

But I still dream that one day something I throw up here will stick like JibJab and Google with send me a fat check.

Now it’s your turn….

Leave a comment about what I have just written. Not on Facebook or Stumbleupon but right down there where it says…

Leave a Comment

You can also leave your little turd (link!) so that folks that actually read this just might read your shit. Unless you’re selling Viagra, or cigarettes or porn. Because if you are, your ass is getting deleted. We moderate the comments we get.

Word.