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Suicide Bombings Halted in Britain

BBC News – Suicide Bomber’s Strike Enters Third Day.
Suicide bombers in Britain are on strike since Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 


The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,

“Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.


Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained,

“I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”


Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.  According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.


{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Ken Rankin February 19, 2017, 15:00

    Yes, since about 2008, the number and quality of virgins in the afterlife has steadily declined. Not only are there fewer, in this high demand market, but instead of the expected quality of virgins, there is an increased instance of technical virgins being substituted. This means they are still virgins, but then end up being males in the 20-30 year old range, living in their parent’s basement in their underwear, highly over weight and permanent orange stains on their fingers from cheese puffs.

  • walt313 February 21, 2017, 09:06

    WOW! You mean to say that some of the virgins they get are Dudes????

  • Brian K. Aldridge February 26, 2017, 08:13

    Pakistani sheep, I’m not seeing the shortage…

  • Brian K. Aldridge February 26, 2017, 08:24

    Ahhhhh nooooo.

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