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Shit That Falls Out of My Mouth

I’m working on a list of the “Socially Charming” things I’ve been known to say out loud. Feel free to quote me on things you’ve heard me say.

“You will be a lot less angry once you come out of the closet.”
“You think. Don’t you?”
“No, I’m not a Nazi, but my Mom was”.
“Are you thinking? You want a pillow and lay down? ” I know it hurts the first time.”
“Why don’t I repeat myself and use little words this time.”
“No, the fat makes you look fat.”

“Of course I’m fat. If you look closely you can see ex-wives and girlfriends impacted on the surface.”

“In goes the Good Air. Out goes the Bad.”

“Fell down? Did you not compensate for Earth’s rotation?”

“Who died and left you in charge?”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

“And you’re saying this because……?”

“If you want, I can act dumber so that we’ll have something in common.”

“Not now, the grown ups are talking.”

“Hi? Not now, maybe later. Thank you for asking.”

“I’m an Only Child. Sharing is someone Else’s problem.”

“I promise to be nicer if you promise to be smarter.”

“No. You’re LYING.”

“Don’t make me drop a house on you.”

“Here she comes in her pick-up truck shaped broom.”

“I know how you feel. No….Wait…yeah that was gas.”

“Well let’s just blame you, shall we?”

“The Truth hurts huh?”

“It wasn’t my fault. It the girl’s fault. My Dad said it’s always the girl’s fault.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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