I saw her in a bar one night. She was looking fine, so I walked up to her. I said, “I’d like a little pussy.”
“Me too,” she replied, “Mine is as big as a hat.”
Not really. Here’s how it really went down.
She was always that chick, asleep on the couch.
She lived with my best friend and so fat bastard that I thought was her brother or something. So for years, I would drop by to see my friend and there was always this chick asleep on the couch wearing nothing but a t-shirt and panties. Damn. She looked hot.
One fateful day, she was awake. While I waited for my friend to get ready to go to the movies, we chatted. She was totally oblivious of the fact she talking to a total stranger in her underwear. She was pissed that she missed The Science Fiction Hall of Fame special. The one hosted by Bill Schatner and Leonard Nimoy. I said I had it on tape. Maybe I can let you borrow it. “Cool, cool”, she said. I left.
A couple weeks later, same scenario except this time she was wide awake and dressed. “Why don’t you bring that tape over and we can watch it together”, she asked. Okay.
The fateful day came, and I showed up with the tape. She met me at the door wearing daisy dukes and a tank top, no bra. The living room was mysteriously clean. It had never been like that before. We popped the tape in and settle down on the couch. Well, she sat on the couch and I sat on the love seat that formed an L. Turns out that fat bastard is her husband. Fuck. He must have a 12-inch penis to land this little sports model. He was well over 300 pounds and she was 100 soaking wet and downhill.
“I made brownies”, she said getting up. But instead of walking around in front of the coffee table, she scootched right between the sofa and the table. This cause her to shove her ass right into my face. “Accidentally”.
“Try my brownies, they’re magic”
“What do you mean by Magic?”
“They’ve got pot in them, silly.”
“No thanks. I work at the airport. Random drug tests.”
We watched the show and every time she got up to get a soda it was ass in my face time. She was drinking beer and giving me the full court press. I switched to beer. Just as decided to hammer this little Fuck Monster, Fat Bastard shows up from wherever the fuck he’d been. Fucking cockblocker.
She immediately turned into “June Cleaver”. Perfectly polite in every way. Fat Bastard grabbed a free-range brownie. We finished watching the show. The three of us. I politely excused myself and got up to leave. She followed me to the door and as she closed it said,
“That was fun. Come visit anytime”.
That’s how we met. This is the first post in the new category, “Ex-Wife”. The story gets netter.
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