A Highlight of an Air Force Career

I can neither confirm nor deny that this incident happened.

A nolone zone may contain a cryptographic component, weapon system hardware under test, a nuclear weapon or active nuclear weapon controls. In the United States Air Force (USAF) policy concerning critical weapons, a nolone zone is an area in which the presence of a single individual is prohibited.

AFI91-104 23 APRIL 2013
Read the Regulation here.

3.4.2. Take immediate, positive steps to prevent or stop an incorrect procedure or unauthorized act.

In the United States Air Force there is a Nuclear Authentication NCO. They are in charge of the permission to launch a nuclear strike. Pilots are cycled in and out for training. the NCO position is permanent for continuity.

WAR STORY

On Thursday, we* were standing Nuclear Alert as a training exercise. Even though it was training, we were uploaded with the real weapons and were the ninth largest nuclear power in the world.

* pronouns are used for story telling and do not indicate any real person, living or dead.

I got a radio call from one of my security guards saying he had a problem. On arriving, I found a LtCol Pilot who come out to see “his” aircraft and “his” weapon. I informed him that it was “my” aircraft and “my” weapon. I offered him a ride back to ops and gave him 20 minutes to find his “two-man”.

Twenty minutes later, the guard called me again. The Colonel was back. I was not polite this time. I told him he had 20 minutes to shag his ass back to ops and find his two-man. If I found his crew chief watching movies in the lounge, I would handcuff the two of them together. I jangled cuffs in his face. The pilot who was my two-man said, “He’ll do it, sir. I’ve seen him do it.” The Colonel stomps off.

I was enjoying my MRE lunch of a Ham Slice when I got a third call. Fuck. Now I’m pissed. The conversation with the Colonel was heated.

He accused me of doing sexual things to my Mother.

I accused him of doing sexual things with small farm animals and kitchen appliances.

I’d have enough. I took an immediate, positive step to prevent or stop an incorrect procedure or unauthorized act.

I drew my pistol. At this point the guard turned off his radio and went behind the crew chief shack for a smoke break. My Lt pissed his pants. In the de-brief he said he didn’t know if he was supposed to shoot me or help me shoot the Colonel.

As per regulations, he supposed to help me shoot the Colonel

.I gave him to the count of three to leave the No Lone Zone. I counted down. At “one” I took the safety off and said,

“This is you last and final warning to un-ass the NO..LONE..ZONE…sir.

On Monday morning he was spot demoted to Major and sent back to the States. I was awarded a Meritorious Service Medal and acquired a reputation not to be fucked with.

MY BIGFOOT ENCOUNTER

road at night

ON NOVEMBER SIXTH, 2019 I WENT FROM BEING A SASQUATCH BELIEVER TO A SASQUATCH “KNOWER”.  NOTHING I’VE READ OR WATCHED HAD PREPARED ME FOR THE ENCOUNTER.  IN NINTH GRADE A FRIEND OF MINE GAVE ME A BOOK ENTITLED, “STRANGE CREATURES FROM TIME AND SPACE”.  IT IS A TONGUE IN CHEEK NARRATIVE OF ALL THINGS THAT GO BUMP OR GLOW IN THE DARK.  BIGFOOT WAS AMONG THEM.  I WAS ALREADY A UFO “KNOWER” BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY.

bigfoot Cartoon

OVER THE YEARS, MY OPINION OF BIGFOOT WAS SKEPTICAL AT BEST.  I WATCHED ALL THE DOCUMENTARIES.  THEN I WATCHED “SCIENCE MEETS SASQUATCH” AND MY SKEPTICISM STARTED TO FADE.  I BOUGHT THE BOOK AND BECAME A BELIEVER.  THE BELL CURVE GRAPH OF SASQUATCH FOOT LENGTH APPEALED TO THE MATHEMATICIAN IN ME.  NUMBERS DO NOT LIE.

IN 2017, WE MOVED FROM LAS VEGAS NEVADA TO CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA.  I HAVE BEEN IN AND OUT OF CHARLESTON FOR ELEVEN YEARS AND WANTED TO RETIRE THERE.  MY GRANDCHILDREN LIVE THERE.  MY DAUGHTER WANTED TO GO TO COLLEGE IN SOUTH CAROLINA.  I WANTED TO RETIRE TO A PLACE THAT REMINDED ME OF WHAT CALIFORNIA USED TO BE WITH TREES AND AN OCEAN.  THE PROSPECT OF DOING SOME “SQUATCHING” WAS IN MY MIND.  THE MARION FRANCIS NATIONAL FOREST BECKONED TO ME.  ACCORDING TO THE BFRO, THERE ARE NOT MANY BIGFOOT SIGHTINGS IN SOUTH CAROLINA.  I THINK THAT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE CALLED “BOOGERS” NOT “BIGFOOT” AROUND HERE.  THE LOCALS HAVE STORIES OF THE ASHLEY RIVER “SWAMP MONSTER”. 

WHEN WE SETTLED INTO OUR NEW HOME, I DID NOT THINK I’D STUMBLE ONTO ANY BIGFEET.  HOWEVER, ONE MORNING WAITING FOR A CREDIT UNION TO OPEN UP, I SAW A BIGFOOT STICK STRUCTURE RIGHT AT THE EDGE OF THE PARKING LOT.  I INVESTIGATED, TOOK PICTURES .

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART.  ON THE SIXTH OF NOVEMBER, 2018, I DROVE MY DAUGHTER BACK TO COLLEGE.  I DROPPED HER OFF AND GOT BACK ON THE ROAD AT MIDNIGHT.  IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.  I ROARED DOWN HIGHWAY 71 AT SPEEDS A PATROLMAN WOULD FROWN AT.  BY  0130, I HAD PASSED A COUPLE OF CARS THAT HAD RUN OFF THE ROAD AND WAS FEELING GUILTY FOR NOT STOPPING.  IT WAS THEN THAT I SPOTTED THE BLUE LIGHTS.  MY GPS HAD TAUGHT THAT THE HIGHWAY PATROL HAD PULLED SOMEONE OVER ABOUT A MILE AHEAD.  I TOOK MY KIA SOUL OUT OF LIGHT SPEED.

I WAS IN THE RIGHT LANE.  THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD WAS SMALL.  THERE WAS ABOUT 30 FEET OF TALL GRASS AND THEN THE MASSIVE TREELINE.  THE MOON WAS FULL AND THERE WAS A LOT OF LIGHT OF THE TOWNS AND CITIES BEING REFLECTED FROM THE LOW CLOUD COVER.  VISIBILTY WAS NOT A PROBLEM.  IT WAS THEN THAT I SAW A MAN STAND UP THE GRASS.  HE STEADIED HIMSELF WITH HIS ARMS OUT AND THEN FLOPPED BACK DOWN.

I SLOWED DOWN FURTHER AND WONDERED IF THE TROOPERS HADN’T FOUND HIM AND MAYBE HE WAS HURT FROM A WRECK.  I WAS PREPARING TO STOP AND RENDER AID WHEN THIS “THING” CAME AT ME IN THE GRASS.  I WAS BEWILDERED BECAUSE IT DEFINITELY WASN’T A MAN.  I HAD READ ALL ABOUT BIGFOOT IN THE “TURBO MODE” BUT THAT HAD NOT PREPARED ME FOR WHAT I SAW.  I SWEAR TO GOD THAT IT LOOKED LIKE A HUGE HAIRY SPIDER COMING AT ME ALL ARMS AND LEGS.  MY SPEED HAD DROPPED INTO THE 40’S AS IT CAME CLOSER AND NOW LOOKED LIKE A SOLDIER DOING A LOW CRAWL BUT MUCH TOO FAST.  WHEN WE PASSED EACH OTHER, EVERYTHING SLOWED DOWN FOR ME LIKE WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO CRASH.  I DID HAVE THE THOUGHT FLASH THROUGH MY MIND THAT IT WOULD LEAP ONTO THE PAVEMENT AND I’D HIT HIM.

I REMEMBER EVERY DETAIL AS WE PASSED.  IT WAS AT A RANGE OF ZERO.  IF SOMEONE WERE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, THEY COULD’VE ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW AND TOUCHED IT.  EVERY WINDOW ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE CAR WAS FILLED WITH THE DARKEST BLACK FUR I’VE EVER SEEN.  I SAW NO HEAD, NO HANDS OR FEET.  JUST FUR AND RIPPLING MUSCLES.  I SNAPPED OUT OF IT IN TIME TO SWERVE INTO THE LEFT LANE AND PASS THE SPEEDER AND TROOPER.

THIS HAPPENED ON HIGHWAY 71, NORTH OF COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA.  I DID NOT STOP TO GET A GPS LOCATION.  ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GET HOME.  ALL THE WAY TO MY EXIT HOME I WAS TALKING TO MYSELF TRYING TO DIGEST WHAT I HAS SEEN.

“THAT WAS A BLACK BEAR. THAT WAS A BLACK BEAR”.
“NO IT WASN’T”
“YES IT WAS, SHUT UP.”

WHEN I GOT HOME, I GOOGLED BLACK BEARS IN SOUTH CAROLINA.  I FOUND OUT THERE ARE TWO GROUPS.  THE COASTAL GROUP AND THE INLAND GROUP.  THESE ARE SEPARATED BY A WIDE MARGIN RIGHT DOWN THE CENTER OF THE STATE.  GUESS WHERE MY ENCOUNTER WAS?  RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTS OF SOUTH CAROLINA THAT THE BEARS DON’T WANT TO GO.

I TOLD MY WIFE THAT I WAS AFRAID TO GO IN THE WOODS NOW.  “ARE YOU AFRAID OF TREES NOW?”, SHE ASKED.  “NO, I JUST DON’T WANT TO COME ACROSS A BIGFOOT.”

 “BUT YOU LIKE BIGFOOT.”

“I DO BUT I ALSO LIKE LIONS AND LIKE TO SEE THEM IN THE ZOO.  I DON’T NOT WANT TO COME ACROSS ONE IN THE FOREST.”

THAT’S WHERE I’M AT WITH BIGFOOT NOW.  I DO NOT WANT TO COME ACROSS ONE IN THE FOREST AND BET MY LIFE THAT IT’S IN A FRIENDLY, LOVING MOOD.