Bad Baby Names

Let’s face a fact shall we? Some People are not meant to be parents. The evidence for this is readily seen in the names they choose for the fruit of their loins. This is a list of stupid names. Names you should not name your baby. I’ve have already screened the African names and the Oriental Names. I knew a Thai chick in high school whose name was “It”. She liked to be called “Susan”, but her friends and enemies alike called her “Cousin It”. I had an in-law whose name is “Sputnik”. Her parents wanted her name to be “Historic”.

See what I mean? So if you want to sign up your baby for counseling right now, use one of these names.

Sadly, the names are on the list because someone, somewhere has been named this.

ALPHA- First Born F Greek
APPLE- Sweet Fruit, Cherished One F American

ARKANSAS- Southern Wind E Native America. Before this gets out of hand let’s just not name your baby after a U.S. State.

ASTRO- Of the Stars M Greek. You were named after the dog in “The Jetsons”???

BABY- Infant E English. Real fit of originality here.

BAMBI- Child F Italian. No, no, no, no!

BLUE- The Color E American

BUCK- Deer or Cowboy M American. How many times will the guy have to hear “What the Fuck, Buck?”

CAN- Beloved M Turkish. Mom picked it while in the bathroom.

CHILL- From the name CHILTON M English.

DOT- Gift of God F Greek. “That’s just my nickname. My real name is Period.”

EASTER-From the Holiday F American. Let me guess. Your nickname is Bunny.

ETERNITY- Everlasting F American. Went past the due date.

FEBRUARY- Born in February E American. Another burst of originality.

FIELD- A Field M English. Commemorating the location of conception, no doubt.

FLOWER- From the name Florence F Latin. No hiding it, the first of the Hippie Names.

FOREVER- Never ending F American. I would have never guessed that meaning. As in, “It feels like I’ve been pregnant forever.”

FOUNTAIN- A spring E French. Daddy (or Mommy) came like a….

GAY- Merry, Happy F English. Come on…could you have waited until she was a teenager to get judgmental?

HERO- Brave Defender E Greek. Well intentioned but still abusive. For a Girl?? “I’m taking Hero to the Prom”. Right. That’ll get her dates.

HUCKLEBERRY- Sweet Berry M American. We’re not making this up.

HUMMER- High Mobility Multi-Purpose Wheeled Vehicle. E American. I had a girlfriend named “BJ”. But this is going too far.

HYMAN- Life M Hebrew. “We named you that Honey because Mommy got pregnant the first time we tried.”

ION- God is Good M Celtic. “You cute little charged particle ,you.”

JOCK- Short form of Jacob or John M Celtic. Imagine for a minute if they will suck at sports.

KISS- Expression of caring E American. It all started with a kiss.  Be happy you’re not named “Backrub”.

LAQUINTA- The Fifth F American. Why would you name your baby after a motel chain? Unless we’re celebrating the place of conception again.

LUCKY- Fortunate, Light E American. Come on, we named the dog Lucky. Can you imagine naming your daughter “Lucky”?

MARS- God of War E Greek. How many of those damn things did you eat?

MASSACHUSETTS- Around Big Hill E Native American. I know I promised to eliminate all the U.S. State name, but damn. I had to share this one.

MAVERICK- Wildly Independent E American. …and their brother, “Goose”.

MEDIA- Communications F Greek. For God’s sake NO!

MERCURY- God of Trade E Latin. Place of conception.

MOON- From the Moon E American.

MOON-UNIT- One that Orbits the Moon. Don’t laugh, Frank Zappa named his kid this.

MORE- Great E English. Really running out of new ideas aren’t you?

MYSTERY- Unknown, Question F American. No shit? Unknown like, “Who’s my Daddy, Mommy?”

NOVA- New E Latin. No one’s fooling anyone. This is another place of conception thing.

ORAL- Speaker, Word M Latin. What Daddy really wanted that night. Oh shit! I  forgot about Oral Roberts.

OVA- Egg F Latin. “Hi, these are our kids, our daughter, Ova and her brother Sperm.”

SAILOR- Sailor E American. Another American name with a mysterious meaning. Maybe the real father.

SKY- Sky E American. Went on a blind date with a chick named Sky. She said her parents were hippies. Go figure.

STASH- Sun’s Rays M American. “These are our sons, Stash and Reefer.”

STEP- From the name Steven M American. “This is my stepson “Step”.

YOKO- Positive Child F Japanese. Actually not a bad name. What Am I thinking? Lennon takes six shots to the chest and she’s right next to him and isn’t scratched. What irony. She should have committed Suttee.

YOSEMITE-  Another conception site.

Lunch with Santa

We went to Denny’s for lunch. It was Rosie’s seventh birthday and she got to pick. She was getting a little rowdy and on a trip to the bathroom I pointed out this man having lunch. He had a long white beard and was wearing a red lumberjack shirt and suspenders.

“Watch it,” I said to her. “Santa’s having lunch”.

That cooled her heels until it was time to pay the bill. As it happened guy with beard was walking up to pay his bill. I pointed and said, “Settle down. See, he’s coming.”

Then something wonderful happened.

Without a word between us, he turned and said, “You’re Rosie, aren’t you?”

Rosie froze in her tracks.

“Come here”, said Santa.

He then whipped a little card out and began writing in it. On no! Busted by Santa!

He then handed the card to her.

It was an autographed picture. Signed “Santa”.

I was just staring with wonderment. What a nice guy. He then handed me a card. It was Santa’s Nevada driver’s license.

What a nice guy.

When we went to the car I noticed a little red Suzuki parked next to our car. It was bright fire engine red with silver trim. What really got my attention was the window sticker pointing to the passenger side. It read, “ELF”.

Now I was hooked. Taking a closer look, the plate said, “O SANTA”.
There was a bumper sticker that read…

“Be nice. I’m watching you.”

The Magic of Santa- Rosie asks THE Question.